αγάπη πάντα

"I realize it all now. But I guess it is just too late. I've hurt her too much. I realized what was important in life. I realized what I was missing out on. I had a crazy night the other night and I had to play mother to a certain extent. and I never want to be like that. I don't want this life. I want better. I want carefree like when we met. I want paintings and photos and happiness. I want peace and to be earthy again. I want bliss to be kissing you (although I know that may not be possible) and bliss to be a good cup of tea. I don't want this "bliss" to be going and parting hard and living with a hangover. or not fully remembering the night before. that isn't living. That isn't natural. Alcohol has poisoned my body and I don't want it to touch my lips for a very long time. I want to listen to music and actually get it. and listen fully. to listen to the world fully and know who I am for once, or at least have a good idea. Live with my heart and passions and not live by stupidity and intoxication.
I want to feel the ebb and flow of the earth in my body. To feel zen again. To paint and to start with my pallet and my brushes but before I am even half way through to be using my leg and my fingers because nothing feels quite as wonderful as paint on your skin. The colors blend like they never could on paper, and when you use your fingers to actually apply the colors you can feel the art. You can move the colors around like you never would be able to with brushes. You are the painting.
I have come to an amazing place right now.
My vibe is right and my energy is where it needs to be.

This is who I am.
I just wish to share it with her.

I wish to touch her skin and just feel her cheek. Touch her with an ever so slight loving touch. I don't even know if I could handle touching her at all right now.
Just to be able to lay in bed beside her, and know that she is safe and next to me. That would be true harmony."

-June 24, 2009


I read these words for the first time tonight. I don't know how and I don't know why, but I found them. If she only knew how I missed that girl that I fell in love with. The girl with love constantly pouring from her heart. The one who's eyes only saw beauty, even in the ugliest of states. The one who always knew the words that my heart really meant, even if the words that came from my mouth were the opposite. The girl with paintbrushes for fingers. If she only knew how long I have wanted to be safely beside her, how many sleepless nights I have had, filled with longing of my heart to just let it all go and surrender to love. If I had only let go of my fear and let my heart win. If I could only tell her how I really feel...
It took nearly three months, but I finally figured out exactly how to tell her everything that I should have always said. I finally figured out the words that fit together well enough. I finally found at least some of the words she deserves. I prepared myself all night...
Now I know for sure that there is nothing I can do but let her go. Now I know that this is what she wants.

Where were these words of hers two months ago? Why did I not stumble across them during a time where I could have seen the light? They were just lost along with my unsaid words, deep inside of my head. Two months ago these words would have opened my eyes. Tonight...these words shattered me...