Just "Plane" Boring

1-27-09
I am on the airplane now. The lady next to me is reading a book about finding Jesus through fasting. I think that can officially be classified as the fad of 2009; fasting for Jesus. I haven't flown at night in a while. I forgot how beautiful it was. I like it much more than daytime flying. The flow of the traffic below is rhythmic and comforting. The sunset was absolutely beautiful too. Turbulence makes me very nervous, especially when it gets so bad that the "fasten seatbelt" sign turns back on. Writing is calming my nerves right now. That and listening to music. Ya know, if I were in control of making airplanes, it would be a high priority of mine to make sure that each one of them would have two middle armrests. Yes...two. Apparently the absolute geniuses that design theses extraordinary machines of transportation failed to realize that two people, sitting side by side in this flying sardine can also have separate arms. One could ultimately conclude from this fact that these separate arms would much prefer separate armrests, yes? Anyway...The flight attendant's are delivering drinks and peanuts now. Oh no...not peanuts, pretzels. Peanuts are too high of an allergy food to distribute in such a confined space. Took those airspace geniuses a while to figure that out too huh? 33,000 feet in the air now. Wow. Clear skies and 74 degrees in Sarasota, says the voice in the airplane. I'm listening to music and being paranoid that everyone in the plane can hear it, but I just asked Jesus lady next door if she could and she said no. It could be because she lost her ability to hear and see the day she turned ancient. Oh well. I know that I'm rambling, but can you blame me? There is not too much else to do. I'm still amazed by the lights below me. They are so...deceiving. I mean yes, the world looks pretty from the sky, but once you get down there, it's loaded with trash and angry people. I can deal with the trash more so than the people. At least trash doesn't talk back. I like flying minus the taking off, turbulence, and landing parts of it. The sky is just as pretty when you're here as it it from the ground. And I can tune the world with iTunes and headphones. Wouldn't it be nice if the world were more like the sky? Wow...more rambling. It all makes sense in my head, really. Aside from the beauty of flying and the bright pleasure of that world below me, I am particularly glad that 137 year old Jesus lady isn't one of those "We are on the same plane, going to the same place, and sharing the same armrest, therefore we need to have an intimate relationship for the duration of this 1 hour and 2 minute flight" people. Although she did just tear out a page from the Sky Magazine (yes, the one in the seat pocket in front of you, the one that everyone is supposed to share and that I do believe you are supposed to read and then leave behind fully intact for the next passengers); how rude. I think we just went over a city. There was a large concentration of lights. It is...7:25ish. We are supposed to land around 8. Oh…there goes another page of Sky Magazine. My throat is scratchy and I am kind of second-guessing my decision to deny a beverage and pretzels. I don't really know what else to write about, so I guess I'll stop boring you with my mundane stories of travel. Unless you want me to tell you about the apparent panic attack that lady next door is having. I hope her body doesn’t spasm like this all of the time. Oh my ears hurt a lot from the pressure change. My eardrums will probably explode when we land. And I think someone is playing Tetris or another equally annoying beep-beep game in the seat behind me….beep…beep….beep…. Ok, maybe I'll try to take a nap. 20 minutes of sleep sounds nice.

...but you set your mind to see this love on through...

I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all

The Cowboy in Me- Tim McGraw

Let it Fly

Ain't no talking to this girl
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that
I'm gonna let it fly

Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left this face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let it fly

There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are given
It's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away - yeah
But you must always know
how long to stay and when to go

And there ain't no talkin' to this girl
She's been tryin' to tell me so
It took a while to understand
the beauty of just letting go
'Cause it would take an acrobat
And I already tried all that
I'm just gonna let it fly

Mary Jew Wanna?

Stolen from some dude on the internet. I thought it was mildly entertaining and actually rather informative:
Jesus turns water into wine, and Uncle Sam initiates a prohibition against alcohol. God creates plants and herbs for our use, and Uncle Sam selectively legalizes them. Is there a theme here? I want to smoke marijuana, but instead I pay taxes so that I can hire police to keep me from smoking marijuana. Is vegetation really my enemy? Are my police protecting me from the vegetation, or protecting the vegetation from me? Why not just arrest all of the marijuana seeds, and lock them up for life without parole? If the plant was incarcerated, then it couldn’t grow in my back yard and seduce me with promises of stress-free relaxation, energizing motivation, a healthy appetite, and a painless body. What was your personal experience the last time that you smoked marijuana? Or perhaps, like that rascally Bill Clinton, you didn’t inhale. Or perhaps you believe the threatening propaganda of Uncle Sam’s drug czar, “Weed will make you kill and steal!” Perhaps you also believe that another “terrorist attack” is imminent – it’s a terror-code yellow this week?! You could believe everything the people on TV say – every last expert – or you could listen to that other voice, only known by the mysterious alias “Common Sense”. We call this the “Land of the Free.” However, if I want to grow a naturally-occurring, ultra-useful, God-given plant in my personally-owned back yard for my private use or consumption, I am suddenly a criminal faced with automatic years of jail time and fines in the thousands of dollars. What happened here? Who gave our government the right to make certain elements of God’s creation “illegal?” Insanity by any other name is still a pretentious, audacious, arrogant and ignorant self-delusion. When these politicians get to heaven (anything’s possible), will they attempt to arrest God for producing marijuana? Or better yet, perhaps they’ll advise God that their Tylenol, Zoloft, Ritalin, Paxil, Nyquil, and other man-made concoctions are healthy and perfect medicines, free of side effects, while His pure and simple plant is a dangerous “gateway drug.” That is the dictionary definition of delusion. By that same dictionary, America cannot be called the “Land of the Free” while cancer patients waste away, vomiting and aching to death, while the perfect medicine for their pain is banned by insane bureaucrats. If I eat enough tulips out of my garden, I imagine that I could make myself sick – so then why aren’t tulips illegal? If I climb a tree, I might fall out and break my ankle – so why don’t we put restrictions on tree heights? These questions sound silly until we realize that precisely the same twisted logic is what keeps marijuana outlawed today. In countries like Canada, citizens are not thrown in prison based on their proximity to a certain plant. Perhaps Canada is the new “Land of the Free,” where Americans can go on vacation to experience personal freedom in the privacy of their homes. The call of sanity and common sense has been heeded to some degree in states like Alaska and Nevada, where allowances for medicinal marijuana use and general decriminalization of the good-herb has made progress. The honest feeling of this 27-year-old working-class man is that the outlawing of a plant is the true crime against nature and sanity. I can only conclude that the obscure, ultra-rich people that own this country and its government have some financial interest in keeping marijuana off of the pharmacy shelves. In a better world, they would be honest about their big-business motives and stop insulting us with ridiculous propaganda touting pretenses of concern for public well-being. In my opinion, keeping marijuana from cancer patients and other suffering individuals equals inhumanity in the first degree – and that is evil. (The Drug Czar currently spends more than $18 billion annually of taxpayers’ money on prohibition (1999).)Something to think about...

Amazing Mind

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?

Love and hate, get it wrong...

So I was driving home tonight, listening to the radio, and a song came on that I had only heard once before, but hadn't taken any particular notice to the lyrics of it. Anyway, listening to the lyrics this time sparked one of those interesting philosophical questions that you sometimes have with yourself in your head; ya know, the ones where you just think to yourself...'hmm':

"And truth be told, I miss you
And truth be told, I'm lying
When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell"

So thoughts started going through my head about pain and anger and hatred and betrayal and such. But in thinking of those things, I also thought about forgiveness. Why is it that people have to be so negative? Why do we all have to be so vindictive? Now I'm not trying to get all hippie on you, but seriously? Does it really make us feel better inside to seek revenge? Is that what brings us peace?
These situations bring particular concern to me when they involve relationships. I don't understand how someone can be so hurtful to a person that they once claimed to love. Is love not stronger than hate? It is one thing to be broken-hearted, but it is quite another to have a vengeful heart.
Yes I've been burned, that's part of life, but I am proud to say that I have not let any of those burns scar my heart. I have not let other people's transgressions make me bitter. However hard forgiveness may be, harboring anger and hatred hurts far more.
Though there are quite obviously exceptions, many times failure is 50/50. In knowing that, how do we ever expect to forgive ourselves and move forward, if we hold so much resentment in our hearts towards the one's who hurt us? In an arguably twisted way, we should be thanking these people who have broken us. Because for every time we break, we become stronger. These moments of pain help us become ourselves. It is a great measure of character when you are put into a position of pain and have the strength to overcome hate, understand forgiveness, and be able to grant it.
So let go of the anger inside, I promise it will be worth it. For we can never truly love ourselves until we learn to love all others, even those we call our enemies.

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."
--Martin Luther King Jr.

And just as a side note, I wish that Logo would stop showing the SAME episode of the L Word over and over. It has come on 3 nights in a row. Oh well...I'm gonna go read instead.

Goodnight world :-)
----

Goodmorning World

Don't you just hate it when you wake up in the morning 10 minutes before you're supposed to leave, only to realize that it's because you had an idiot moment the night before and set your alarm for PM instead of AM? Yeah, that's what happened to me this morning. And it's a scorching 19 degrees outside, so you can probably imagine my distaste for getting out of bed to go shower. But anyway, enough of the complaining, I have to go to class. More later

Presidential '09

So the new big gay topic? Southern Baptist, megachurch leader, and profound author, Rick Warren. President-elect Barack Obama's choice of the evangelical pastor to give the invocation at his inauguration ceremony is being viewed as a symbolic "slap in the face to the gay community", especially considering the fact that very few evangelists voted for Obama and gays were some of his strongest supporters.

Yes it may suck for us to think that we have a homo-hating bible thumper in any position of power, but the fact is, it’s one person. The selection of Warren was not an attempt by Obama to discredit himself with the gay community and shun all of us, it was simply a selection. In more ways than one, Pastor Warren and President-elect Obama actually share the same worldviews. They have paralleling passions related to AIDS and HIV relief as well as to worldwide poverty. But such is life that where there are similarities, there are always differences. By now, Obama has made his stance on social issues such as abortion and gay rights clear, and these viewpoints are indeed conflicted with Warren's. But what I find intriguing is the fact that, although Warren was well-aware that himself and Obama possess very conflicting views on many (and in effect most) social policies, he cordially invited him to attend a session at his church on HIV/AIDS in Africa. And just as Warren reached out his hand to Obama amidst their differing opinions, Obama reached out his now political hand to Warren.

Now for a disclaimer: I am in no way defending Warren's viewpoints on gay's and lesbians and his comparison of gay marriage to incest, pedophilia, and polygamy. All I am saying is that we all need to just take a deep breath, step back, and look at the big picture. It was my very long-winded way of saying that we must learn to live harmoniously with each other, despite our differences in opinion.

And that is all :-)

http://www.equalrep.com/

Update

So I've decided that I'm gonna go all "Rev Run" on you today. I haven't written anything particularly meaningful lately, which I am beginning to consider excusable considering my current emotional state. Most of it has just been ranting and complaining. But I will start writing more, I have to. If it offers inspiration to even one person, than it is worth it. So here ya go...

Life is more than just a chain of events; everything is relative. Our actions are the cause of our reactions, our opportunities a result of our choices, and our spirits a mirror image of our intentions. Lately, I have been having some relationship troubles. Although they are not for a lack of interest or a lack of love, these issues have placed an unwanted barrier between the two of us. The current dynamic of our relationship is definitely questionable. It has been very push and pull. The harder I push, the more she pulls away. The more I pull back and pretend not to care, the more she pushes. And the reverse is true as well. The back-and-forth of it is beginning to serve as destructive to both of us. Love should never be predicated on convenience. I know in my heart what I want to do, but all rationale is against it. Under normal circumstances I would describe this feeling as love ("...all reasoning is against it, all healthy instinct for it" to quote Samuel Butler) but in this case, I know that I must also listen to the logic if I really want the relationship to work. I hope that I can figure it out soon, so that I don't lose another love to my selfish actions.

Take your lover by the hand and never let go. Take your lover by the arm and lead them to heaven. There may be twists and turns along the way, but as long as you have each other, you will never be lost.

Life is love,
Enlightened

Fortify yourself with contentment, for this is an impregnable fortress.

Epictetus

Knowing

Yes, people make mistakes, it is in human nature. However, the only people who truly learn from them, not just regret them, are the ones who are willing to acknowledge them. And the only people who acknowledge them, are the ones who are willing to learn from them.

-----

You are my strength...you are my weakness

Dig- Incubus

We all have a weakness
Some of ours are easy to identify
Look me in the eye
and ask for forgiveness
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes, you are my friend
We all have something that digs at us
At least we dig each other

So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone
Each other when everything else is gone

The Weakness in Me

I wish that I was stronger

I wish that I could learn to love the right way

I am not worth it to her, because I am not worth it to me

Are they irrational, these feelings that exist?

This was the rest of my life

If we both walk away now, maybe we can save each other the hurting

So why is it impossible to do?

The questions being asked and the answers being made up are enough to break even the strongest man

So why do I feel so weak?

A broken piece of life

One shattered soul after another

Every day is another tear, another broken heart

Is it a friend that you will lose, or a foe?

Maybe I am the foe

Maybe I am the one who was wrong, not the one who was broken

Maybe someday I will learn to love the right way

Maybe someday I will be stronger

So please don’t call me, please don’t write me

Just let me fall

It’s something you’ve been wanting to watch me do for a while

Untitled

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything's gotta change around me
I'd tell it to your face
But you lost your face along the way
And I'd say it on the phone
If I thought you were alone
Why do things have to change?

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one

Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale

You're in and out, up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found
But I got my hands on you
Are you strong enough to tow the line?
Are you gonna make me yours?
Or do I make you mine?
I'm in and out, I'm up and down
Wonder if I'm lost or found
But I need your hands on me now

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why

-------------

Oh, how about a round of applause
Yeah, standing ovation

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Talking about, "girl, I love you, you're the one"
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

Oh and the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out

But it's over now...

------------

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
"Can’t you just get over it?"
It turned my whole world around

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

------------

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for?
When I say out loud
I wanna get of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss?

I wonder how it's gonna be
When you don't know me?
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there?
How's it gonna be
when there is no one to talk to, between you and me?

I wonder how's it gonna be when it goes down?
Hows it gonna be
when your not around?
Hows it going to be
when you found out there was nothing
between you and me?

Hows it gonna be
when you don't know me anymore?
And how's it gonna be?

Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion
Oblivion

How's it going to be
when you don't know me any more?

_Take Tomorrow_ and I'll be _Sober_

Can you please, remind me how you feel?
This emptiness is real, I can't bear the thought of it.
And please, remind me how to smile
I lost track after awhile.
Is happiness so hard to get?

Is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away
Is it me, or is this ending?
As I was pretending, I watched you fade away

I didn't know, that time could move so slow
when you've got nowhere to go
the silence is so deafening
Waking up, on the wrong side of your mind
How could I have been so blind, to see I'm losing everything?

Is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away.
Is it me, or is this ending?
As I was pretending, I watched you fade away.

Oh, Sooner or later, we gotta stop this elevator.
You go your way and I'll go mine, I'm sure that I'll be fine

Now is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away
Is it me, or is this ending?
As I was pretending, I watched you fade away.
Sober
As I got sober
As I got sober
I watched you fade
I watched you fade away...

-------------------

You got lost
for a while.
You've been trying to find a smile.
You got stood up
then you fell down,
And when you needed, there was no one 'round.
You loved the previews and hate the movie
You scream at the screen, "Something move me!"
Before you start to fade away

Give me all your fear
throw it all away
And think about the good things
no matter what they say
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah
One day at a time

You just stare into space,
You found love but it got erased,
You're on the road
with all the stoplights
And you're too afraid to turn the wrong from right
You ate your soul and it made you fat
Starve yourself from everything else
that makes you completely full

So give me all your fear
throw it all away.
Think about the good things
no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah
One day at a time

So you run
so you hide,
And you watched as they die
They all fell
you could fall too
Or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through

Give me all your fear
throw it all away
Think about the good things
no matter what they say
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah
One day at a time

One day at a time...

(Thanks B.W.)

Knowledge

Yes I've been in love, but who's really keeping track anyway?

Broken hearts are best kept a secret.

Who ever thought to partake in this perverse conspiracy that we call love?

I thought I was stronger than that.

Yes, I’ve loved and lost, but what is the harm in that anyway?

It's only a heart.

How do you believe in fire when I believe in ice?

There is nothing left here to burn.

Where do you go when the world turns its back?

I run to shelter myself from the inside of me.

Why do we wish for power that we cannot possess?

Power is weakness in my hands.

Why does the only thing left to do have to be falling apart?

Letting go was never my strong point.

Why is everything that seems real, later turned to fiction?

It really is a loser's game.

Why do I still love you?

This is something that I will never know.

---------

And wanting you to love me to...

Well that is quite another kind of wishing

Truth lies >< Love lies

"But none of that
matters.
I do wish she wouldnt
be mad and
understand but Ash
means so much more
to me than she ever
would."

"I dont trust her. She
thinks I do.. I never
told her I did. She just
assumes. THAT is why
I never talk and I let
her babble on."

"I would be absolutely
crushed if she ever
acted like that with
someone while with
me."

Here We Are- Breaking Benjamin

Sing it for me
I can't erase the stupid things I say
You're better than me
I struggle just to find a better way

So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye

You wouldn't like me
Keep moving on until forever ends
Don't try to fight me
The beauty queen has lost her crown again

So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I, should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye

Goodbye
So why are you so eager to betray?
Pick the pieces up
Pick the pieces up
so why are you the one that walks away?
Pick the pieces up

Just take a breath and softly say goodbye

Truth Learns

It's like a game
It's like a "let's see how much we can hurt each other before we finally give up"
It's like a push in the wrong direction
It's a pull towards pain

And I want to tell you the truth of how I feel
And you walk away to break me again
And I walk in a different direction, with the same intent
And the truth of the matter is that nothing is real

Let's see how much we can learn to hate each other before we finally let it all go
Let's play hardball
Let's kill the only love we have
Let's wait for another predicted blow

But you break me and I crush you
But it only hurts when we let ourselves feel
But we don't, so why should it matter anyway?
But I wait again for a brighter hue
And I still love you

"Everyone has their own TRUTH"

I'll rewire your mind, I'll punch in some new points of view. {And the moon is just the sun at night}

Did you hear it in my eyes and see it in my voice?

How beautiful I think you are, even when you’re crying

And how strong I know you are, even when you’re dying

But it’s one huge slip after another small step

And as soon as you fall, they are waiting to bury you

But it’s too late,

Because we have already buried ourselves in the mistakes that we’ve made

And they’ll forget you because you made them hate themselves

And they’ll remember you because you made them love themselves

But don’t give it up, girl, because no one deserves it

You’re a tough one to follow, and a hard one to hold

Just spare me the words of ‘I don’t love you anymore’

I’ve known you long enough to know

And I’ll forget about you just long enough to realize why I remembered you in the first place

It’s all the same fatal error; a beautiful downfall

The world cannot save you; it will only cut you down

I’ll reach out my hand, somebody save me now

When apologies are never enough

Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away

I’ll fall away with grace

I wipe a tear away with the rain

To clear my vision from these clouded eyes

Sometimes, girl, the only way to fix yourself is to first let yourself shatter

Let the pieces of your empty soul scatter

And even if I am only fiction in your eyes

You are my only fantasy, in reality’s disguise

Do you feel it all changing with the passing of time?

Just save the pieces of my heart that make up this sad rhyme

If I could save you, believe me I would

I am forever yours, with a love so true

And you said that you loved me too

But don't you worry, girl, because the world will forgive you for the lies you told when you were broken

And I shatter