Assignment 1

My first assignment for my freelancing is to submit a personal selection. This makes me a little uncomfortable simply because personal writing is exactly that; personal. I am conflicted as to whether I should share something small, something surface and easy to write, or whether I should share something bigger, something meaningful and extensive.
The only requirements for the selection are that it must share a personal story and offer personal insight or opinion on the main topic. It seems easy enough, I guess. We'll see.

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Delicate- Damien Rice

We might kiss when we are alone.
When nobody's watching
we might take it home.
We might make out
when nobody's there.
It's not that we're scared,
it's just that it's delicate.

So why'd you fill my sorrows
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known?
And why'd you sing hallelujah
if it means nothing to you?
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before.
When there's nothing to give,
well, how can we ask for more?
We might make love in some sacred place.
The look on your face is delicate...

So why'd you fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place that you've known?
And why'd you sing hallelujah
if it means nothing to you?
Why'd you sing with me at all?

Everybody Knows, Memories Will Keep Us Alive...

If you don't want to try again because you think that we could never get back to good, there is nothing I can do about that aside from tell you that I think, if we both worked hard enough, that we could get there together.
If you can't try again because you don't think you could ever trust me the way that you did or love me the way that you did, I can only respond with "I love you, always and forever, no matter what."
You are my best friend and I never want to see you hurting again. And it is for that reason that I know that I need to walk away. I know that I hurt you and I know that you have changed; we both have. But I am completely devoted to you and to him, and that is what makes it so hard to let it go.
I don't know where life will take us, but I am confident that we will always be the best of friends. Our friendship has lasted through all of this animosity and all of the hard times and I think that, while it definitely tore us apart, it somehow brought us closer together at the same time.
I love you more than you could ever understand, but beyond that, I can offer no more reassuring words. I will move on from what we had, and I will focus on the now: The friendship that I have the opportunity to build with you, the things I get to experience with Wes, and the way we will all grow together.
I know that I will never completely let you go, I don't think that's even a possibility. I can't give up on us because I wont give up on you. But I will live for the now, live for myself, and live for the ones that I care about the most.

I love you.

Don't call me.
Don't come to work to see me.
Don't pretend to be my friend when I know that you will inevitably and deliberately stab me in the back just as you have many times before.
I will not be here to let you walk all over me at your convenience.
I will not put up with your bullshit.
I will not talk to you anymore.
I will be better with you out of my life.
My relationship with her failed, and a big part of that I blame on you.
You wrecked me; you stole my faith and my compassion and my ability to trust.
You stole every ounce of love that I had.
You turned me into this cold, heartless, asshole, and I am stopping it right now.
I will not put up with you putting me down, and I especially will not put up with you talking badly about the people that I care the most about.
She treated me better than you ever did, and you are a cunt for assuming otherwise.
You've pushed me too far this time.
I can finally see the person that I always hoped you weren't.
I gave you far, far too much credit, and I fully regret that.
It took three years, but now, I am completely done.
Goodbye.

So Christmas is around the corner and I’ve been thinking. Thinking about a whole lot of things. Thinking about why I haven’t blogged so much lately. Thinking about why certain things happen to certain people, and why certain things do not happen for certain people...

...Christmas is coming and I want to shed some light on what I think it’s about. Today, while at work, I thought about what Christmas means to me. I don’t think of it religiously. I don’t think about it as a massive gift-fest (although presents are always nice). I think of it as a time to give. You may ask, “what do you give?” I reply, “the same thing I always give. Hopes and happiness.” I try my heart out to make people smile. But there will always be some that I have come into contact with and wish to help but am unable to sit down and talk with them due to us having different schedules.

This is about one such person that I have spoken to on Notemine. I don’t know her real name. All I know is that she lives in America, and is an intellectual that I once sparked an excellent conversation with one day. This woman fascinates me because of her love for her partner who she misses dearly. She is unable to move on because she knows her love is true, she misses her partner who she left her due to discrepancies (I don’t know the full story) that they had while together. While she knows that she did wrong by her partner and wishes to change it, she also knows that it will take time and effort. One of the other things I’ve learned is that her and her ex-girlfriend share a child together.

Her name is “Lay_Me_Down_Gently”.

Every time I speak to this woman, my heart warms to her and makes me wish that I could pick her up every time she stumbles. So I am writing this in the hope that she can see my message and my outstretched hand. For her to understand that she is a fucking trooper and deserves a happy ending, given the endless struggle for happiness; the endless pursuit for a second chance. My intellectual friend, if you ever read this, you have my support in ANY way possible.

I want things to work out for you. You deserve happiness. For you, your girl, and your son. May your Christmas wishes come true. May ALL of your wishes come true. I wish to lay you down the night when you will be at your happiest and be able to sleep and dream of the great future you have ahead of you. I want to show you the future and help you live it to the fullest.

I want you to be happy.
I want you to smile and move forward.
I want you to walk with me along the stairwell to contemplation.

~AKS.

When I read this, it made me cry. It was a different kind of cry though; a kind of cry that I haven't experienced in a while. The kind of cry that happens when no one is around, but you still feel an overwhelming sense of compassionate love surrounding you. It was a good cry.
It absolutely astounds me that someone who knows nearly nothing about me could have such passionate opinions about my situation. I love the fact that there is still genuine kindness that exists in this world, even from strangers.
Thank you, AKS for your encouraging words. May you never underestimate the power of a kind heart and may your compassion be rewarded tenfold.

My Teacher

Before your smile, hypocrisy was my innocence. Before your touch, pornography was my romance. Before your compassion, anger was my character. But you showed me how to love, and for that, I will forever love you; my teacher.

I closed my eyes for a second, listening to the music flowing from the speakers and thinking about the subtext in the words that I was writing. Everything always has more than one meaning, because life is all about interpretation; some maniacal, some enriching, some just plain conspicuous. The way I see things may not be the way whoever may read this writing is seeing them. But who cares? It’s therapeutic nonetheless. Writing has always been my way of seeing emotion in a tangible form. You see, I pretend to be filled with proverbial self-awareness, but in all actuality, there is just too much continuously-present duality in my personality to ever be fully self-aware. I am in a constant battle with myself; a battle of wit and words. I know what I want to say and what I need to do, but for some unknown reason, things just don’t usually turn out the way I envision them to. Maybe it’s a stage.
I think we might know a lot about a lot of things, but never everything about anything. I have figured out, however, amidst my umpteen hours of hopelessly imperfect soul-searching, that I suffer from the 'don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, so instead you kill it with cynicism and irrelevance' disease. And I don’t think I suffer alone, which is an ever-growing problem for people in this life; everyone bleeds the same way.

The Last Night

It was so hard to hear her say the things she said to me that she said last night. Not quite as hard as "I'm not in love with you anymore" but definitely comparable. I think the hardest part about it was the fact that she was affirming something that was always in the back of my mind; that I had lied to myself for seven months. Every time I was sad, every time I felt myself slipping, I told myself "it will be okay. You love her and she loves you; it will all work out someday. It has to. We will be together again in time. We will have our family back. It will all work out."
Those pep talks were what got me though the toughest days. The days when I would sit and cry for hours, thinking of the things I had lost, the ways that I hurt her, and the ways I had let them down. I always think about the way things could have been; I guess it's always my downfall. I have always known that I can't go back and change any of it, that's obvious. I just always thought that, in time, I would get it right; right enough for her to want me back.
It's hard to think that I am still here in this place where all I know is hurting. It's been so long since we broke up, but at the same time, it feels like it was yesterday. It's hard to think that I can't let go when it took her almost no time at all to get out of that place. Now, don't get me wrong, I would never wish this pain on her, I just wish that it still affected her a little more than it does. I can't really blame her for moving on, with everything that happened and everything that was said, but I wish I didn't have this overwhelming feeling that we never were as good as we thought we were. I feel like if she were as in love with me as she always claimed to be that it would have taken more time and more effort for her to to let me go. But, then again, I'm sure she thinks that if I were as in love with her as I claimed to be, that I never would have gone away. I know that I love her and I know that I always have; my leaving had nothing to do with love. And then, it had everything to do with love.
I know that I was the one who left, but I never let her go. I cried every night thinking about everything that she was going through and everything that we had gone through together. I wanted more than anything to be there for her, but I didn't know how. We were both so broken, and the fact that I was too weak to help her killed me. But I never lost my love for her. Even to this day she is the only one who has my heart. And even after everything we have gone through, she is still the only one that I trust with it.

The last month or so that we were together, I was always so afraid. I was afraid that we were losing our friendship, and that was the most important part of who we were as a couple. I tried to convince myself that it would be okay, that it would all work out in time, but that eventually led to everything that happened; all of that destruction and pain. Had I been more proactive, more involved, we could be in a totally different place right now. I just didn't know what to do to fix us and, because of my stubborn, hard-headed personality, I felt weakened by that. My relationship was falling apart and the girl that I love more than life was hurting in a way that I didn't know how to fix. It scared the hell out of me. The only thing I knew to do was leave. I thought that maybe if we had time apart that we would realize what needed to be changed and what needed to be worked on and we could start over again in a new place. But I never really conveyed to her that that was my intention, I just assumed that she would have known. I always had the intention of coming back, I just never told her that. And I knew at the time that I should have told her that, I wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to look at her and ask her to work on something that was killing her inside. I don't really know why I expected her to work so hard on something that wasn't there and something that she wasn't sure she would get back. So, while I worked on loving her, she worked on letting me go. It was all just an extreme failure in communication. I am completly literate, but I have never really been good with words. At least not ones with feelings behind them.
I guess you really don't ever know what you have until it's gone. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed that night. I would have talked to her about everything I was thinking and everything that I thought we needed to work on. I would have never let her go. I would have put aside my stupid, selfish, foolish pride and let her love me the way I think she wanted to all along. Love could have worked it out better than space. Just another thing that I have learned.

From the time we met until the time we broke up, I had never been happier. She was everything that I ever wanted that I never thought that I deserved. Her love for Wesley fascinated me and her love for me was unbreakable. She made all of the anger in me disappear and erased everything that had scared me before. She had a smile that made my heart beat so fast that I thought it would explode. She loved me without hesitation and always kept me safe. She was my hero.
I miss her every single day. I am dead inside without her. Most of the time, I feel nothing; I am numb. The other times, all I feel is sadness. I have never been this sad. The only time that I am truly happy now is when I see Wes. He is the only thing that keeps me going.

You'd think that I would be different, seeing as how I grew up in a family where nothing was ever resolved because everyone just left it alone or avoided it all-together, but I guess I learned far less from that situation than I thought I did. I did what I always told myself I would never do, what my mother did, and what destroyed my family; I left. I left behind the two best things in my life, the two people who were my entire future. I didn't talk to her about how I was feeling, I just assumed, and I lost my family because of it.
I know that I can't change any of it now and that I need to come to terms with what happened and move on, but it's so hard to think about everything that I lost, everything that we lost, and everything that she is convinced we could never get back.
I just wish she knew that I would do anything in my power for another chance to be with her. I know that we have been through a lot, but I think that could make our relationship stronger, as long as we were both willing to make it work. She isn't in love with me anymore, and that is so hard for me to come to terms with. If I had the chance, I would marry her tomorrow, or today even. The note that I found that I wrote to Scott right before Kristen and I broke up still sits in my notebook. I don't really know why I keep it, since I know now that we will never be together again, but I guess I just like reading it because it reminds me of how much love I have always had for her. Even when we were struggling, I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I need to move on, but I never want to lose that love. It makes me better, it makes me stronger. It always has.
I guess you really don't ever know what you have until it's gone. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed that night. I would have talked to her about everything I was thinking and everything that I thought we needed to work on. I would have never let her go.
One more chance is all I need to make it right, but she doesn't want it. As much as I think we can do it, she thinks we can't. So I guess the only chance I have now is to be the best friend to her that I can. I will always be there for her and I will always be there for Wesley. I just hope she knows that she always has my heart, and she will always be my girl.

Murdered by Misadventures: Journal

Her eyes were never as shallow as she had always made them out to be. I saw in them a depth that flowed beyond simple physicality and into a suspended dimension where everything ran together and time stood still. A dimension where everything was falling down around her, but she was always her own safe haven. In this dimension, everything was alright, even when it was shattered into a million pieces. Her life was fragmented and terrorized, but she was always there, always aware of her abilities and her necessities. Even when she thought she did, she never gave up hope.
Her eyes were always my favorite part about her. Her lips were second. I don’t know if she ever knew, or if I had ever told her, but I fell in love with her because of her eyes.


Beauty was always an intrinsic quality for her. I never questioned it, even for an instant, even when she told me the ugly stories of her past, and even when she went through her hardest times. Actually, I think that made her even more beautiful to me. She was always so strong, even when she and the rest of the world thought she was weak. She was never really weak, no matter how broken she was. That was what made her so beautiful.


The first day was incredible. Actually, it was incredible even before the first day. She stole my heart in an instant. I still don’t know if she knows it, or if I ever told her, but she was my love long before those three words were ever spoken.
Maybe it was the fact that she was so open to me from the beginning, or maybe it was just that she possessed every quality that I knew I would love to love, but it all just came so easily. I think that was the reason it was so scary, too. She took my hand and showed me the world through her eyes. Her eyes were always so beautiful, even when she was lost.

Lovesick

These tears mean nothing,
pouring down my face for you.
These words are empty,
raining from my tired lips.
That's what I see your eyes telling me.
We've both become so good
at simple justice.

I am here, tethered to torture,
because I want you so bad.
And I want nothing more than to kiss you,
to hold your hand,
to be your hardened lover.
But all-the-while you're just so proud of yourself
because your disease saves my life.

Maybe I'm just tired
of the sentimental weakness you possess.
Or maybe I'm just scared to be too strong
or scared to be too weak.
I know I'm not what you thought I could have been.
I know I mean no more than nothing.
But without me, you'd have no one to hate.

My heart's in your hands
and you bring out the knife.
And the only time I ever lied to you
was when I said that I was done.
If I had known it then, it would be so different.
Now I know that I am far from the end.

I will never leave your side,
no matter how hard you push.
I may be weak, but I will stay here,
tethered strong,
if only for you.

Life After You- Daughtry

Ten miles from town and I just broke down,
spitting out smoke on the side of the road.
I'm out here alone just trying to get home
to tell you I was wrong
but you already know.

Believe me I will stop at nothing to see you
so I've started running...

And all that I'm after is a life full of laughter
as long as I'm laughing with you.
I'm thinking that all that still matters
is love ever after,
after the life we've been through.
Because I know there's no life after you.

Last time we talked, the night that I walked,
burns like an iron in the back of my mind.
I must have been high to say you and I
weren't meant to be and just wasting my time.

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you.

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one.
After this time I spent alone,
it's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind.
Thinking about the better times,
I must have been out of my mind,
so I'm running back to tell you...
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter.
Without you, God knows what I'd do.

And all that I'm after is a life full of laughter
as long as I'm laughing with you.
I'm thinking that all that still matters
is love ever after,
after the life we've been through.
Because I know there's no life after you.

Mean- P!nk

You used to hold the door for me,
now you can't wait to leave.
You used to send flowers
if you fucked up in my dreams.

I used to make you laugh
with all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes
and walk away and shake your head.

When the spark has gone and the candles are out,
when the song is done and there's no more sound,
whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking...

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free?
Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong,
I just can't wake up on the floor
like a thousand times before
knowing that forever won't be.

Always sentimental
when I think of how it was.
When love was sweet and new
and we just couldn't get enough.
The shower, it reminds me,
you'd undress me with your eyes.
And now you never touch me
and you tell me that you're tired.

Oh, we said some things that we can never take back.
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track.
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe,
but we should have drank it down while it was still sweet;
it all goes bad eventually.

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone?
I've gotten so used to this abuse, it kind of feels like home.
But, my baby, I just really wanna know,
how did we get so mean?

This is the only autobiography that I will write and, God, I am writing it on toilet paper...

I had only told the truth, is that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have; it is the very last inch of us. And within that inch, we are free.

The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again. We moved to a small flat in London together, she grew scarlet carsons for me in our window box, and our place always smelled of roses. Those were the best years of my life.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change... I still don't understand it.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years, I had roses and apologized to no one.

I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch but one.
An inch; it is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away; we must never let them take it from us.
I hope that, whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and the things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

Stationary Thoughts

I think she is wrong; something is different. Something is very different.
Maybe it's not so much that she has changed alone, but rather that we have changed together.
I have gained a sensitivity that she has lost.
I have fallen where she stands.
I have developed that sense of fairy tale thinking that she used to have.
She has been a reflection of everything I didn't want to have effect her.
She is something I thought I would never know; at least not in her.
She has cried and I have cried.
We have both lost a lot of hope.
There is no more gentle compassion.
There is no more passionate light.
There is no more forever friendship.
There is no more chance and there is no more forgiveness.
She has become almost a stranger to me now; I think that is what she wants.
I cry over something that I could never change, because she wants nothing to do with that.
If I let go, I am scared that I will break.
If I hold on like this, breaking is inevitable.
I need guidance and strength. I need a well-lit road. I need a friend to walk with me.
I need everything that I used to have; everything that I threw away.

Far Away- Nickelback

This time, this place,
misused mistakes.
Too long, too late,
who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance,
just one breath,
just in case there's just one left.
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

that I love you,
I have loved you all along.
And I miss you,
been far away for far too long.
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go.
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore.

On my knees I'll ask,
last chance for one last dance.
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand.
I'd give it all,
I'd give for us.
Give anything but I won't give up.

So far away,
been far away for far too long.

I wanted,
I wanted you to stay
'cause I needed,
and I need to hear you say...
That I love you
and I have loved you all along.
And I forgive you
for being away for far too long.
So keep breathing
'cause I'm not leaving you anymore.
Believe it,
hold on to me, never let me go
Keep breathing

Hold on to me, never let me go

I need to work on my story. I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things, bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. I simply have no rhythm anymore. Rhythm calls for liveliness, and I cannot feign an ounce.

Here Comes the...

I have been in an awkward state of confusion today (not unlike how I am many other days). But today is a bit different than most other days. Today I am more pensive and less poignant. I can usually put my feelings into words with little effort at all. But today, I really just felt the urge to think. And so that's what I did. My day off was spent driving around, listening to music, and relieving memories that I know should probably be long forgotten. The difference about today, unlike many of my other days filled with pensive inactivity, is that I didn't feel guilty at the end of it all.

I have come to terms with a lot of circumstances in my life, made peace with myself for a lot of the decisions that I have made, and let go of a lot of ideas that used to bring me down. I can't say that I'm not still hung up on some things, but I think that I deal with them a lot better than I was dealing with them a few months ago. And I think that this will progressively get better. And my hopes are that this will improve both my life and the lives of those I am closest to.

I know that I have been...different lately. Part of it is natural, considering the things I've gone through in the past six months, but other parts are selfish and unjustifiable. I have been mean and I have been selfish, and I have hurt a lot of people that I genuinely love more than anything. And for this, I apologize. For a long time, I was just in a back-and-forth pattern of self-pity and arrogant attitude; I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed, but for some reason, I just couldn't seem to get control of myself long enough to start making those things happen. I got far too hung up on unrequited feelings, I read into things way too much, and my expectations for my own situations were unrealistic and damn near impossible.

But from this point on, what happens, happens. I know that I can't control everything or force anything, I can only make sure that I do all that I can to make things happen. There are a lot of things I don't know, and a lot of things I may never know. There are a lot of things that I want that not one can guarantee I will ever get. But that is the beauty of it all; things change and things adjust, we just have to adjust right along with them.

So for tonight, all I can say is this:
I love you, I always will. I do not know where our relationship will go from here; that is all up to you.
I will always want you back; you are my better half. I will always want your friendship; you are the best part of me. But I know that you cannot or do not want to be with me again at this point. And maybe you never will, but I am not at a point where I can give up that hope.
I can't tell you that you should take me back, because if I were in your situation, I'm not sure I could forgive some of the things that I said and did either. But I know that we have both grown over the past six months, and, despite my intentions, I have grown more in love with you. I have realized the mistakes that I made and realized how to fix some of the issues that I had that hindered us in the past. I think of you every day, and I love you now just as much, if not more, than I always have. I am sure that, given the chance, I could prove this to you, but right now, I can't risk our friendship.
I respect your relationship and I respect your happiness and I always will. If you are happy with with where you are now, I will not intentionally do anything to adversely affect that. I will never again come between you and your happiness. I miss you every day, and I love you every night. I hope that someday life will bring us back together, but for now, I will be here for you as you need. You are my best friend, no questions.
I love you, always and forever, no matter what.

Rules of Unattraction

"What does it mean?"
"Well...it doesn't have to mean anything. I mean, being attracted to someone is no big deal, it's just an attraction. We just... we have to agree not to act on it."
"Okay, how do we do that?"
"Well, we just took the first step; we took the power out of it."
"Uh huh. I think we need to take the second step."
"Yeah. Okay. We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive. We need, like... rules of unattraction."
"Okay, like, never be alone together in places like the bathroom at the Planet.
"Right, never be alone together."
"Especially never be alone together in places where there's like a bed or a couch..."
"Right. Or a table, or a floor, or the backseat of a car..."
"Oh that'd be good. That wouldn't be good."
"Okay you need to stop showing up at the Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty, and your veins are popping all over the place."
"You like that? Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts anymore."
"What shirts?"
"You know, the ones where they cling to you in some places and fall off of you in others."
"Hm."
"Fuck you."
"Okay, that's totally against the rules."

It's Just Something Not-So-Desirably Sentimental

Before it went away, love was never really a big deal
But now, every night, it gets harder to sleep
and easier to lay in bed and dream of you.

And now that I'm sober, I'll waste some more of this conversation
talking about things of no obvious relation
to the feelings outside of the awkward translation
of the feelings I still have for you.

And I never told you what I thought it could be
because what you don't know, it can't hurt you.
So it tore up my soul and it tore us apart
and I became just the one to desert you.

So please excuse me as I run away from the you in me
thank you for the sentiment in tearing me down.
Is it as hard for you to hate me as it is
for me to hate you?

I'll spend weeks trying to clean out my mind
of all of the weakness that all of the others find
is weighing me down.
But I'll still be around.
Because, in historic sense, it's just how I am.
That's the masochist in me;
it's the lover in me.

I see you smile, I see you laugh, I thank myself for leaving.
But then I see you cry and I kill myself for believing
that leaving is what I should have done.

I wish I could have just one more chance,
one more chance to make it right
to prove to you that you are my life.

I try to fade away
to what you led me to believe you want.
But you will forever be a memory
that I will try my best not to want.
If only for you.

Gone

Making plans for the future while I'm stuck in the past
staying here in the moment is just too much to ask.
And the closest I got was the furthest from gone,
my heart never left, it's been here all along.

There's a headache of pills and a heartache of lust
and that bitter taste lingers on my lips laced in dust.
And the covers are wrinkled, the window are cracked,
and the broken-down bruises on my arms take me back

to the lessons of losing the touch of her hand
and the fingers of honesty I could not understand.
As her touch slipped away, I sat holding my heart
with the blood dripping faintly to the place where I start

to begin to understand all the feelings we share.
Will they stay gone forever or is forever impaired
by the love I still have for your memory, strong?
Because this love that I have is the furthest from gone.


You know you're the only one who can take me, break me, shake me, make me want to see the other side. You're the only one who can save me, but the truth is, you're the only one who has ever tried.

The Difference- Matchbox 20

Slow dancing on the boulevard
in the quiet moments while the city's still dark.
Sleepwalking through the summer rain
in the tired spaces, you could hear her name
When she was warm and tender
and you held her arms around you,
there was nothing but her love and affection.
She was crazy for you,
now she's part of something that you lost.

And for all you know
this could be the difference between what you need
and what you wanna be.

Night swimming in her diamond dress
making small circles move across the surface.
Stand watching from the steady shore
feeling wide open and waiting for
something warm and tender.
Now she's moving further from you,
there was nothing that could make it easy on you.
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking on

Yeah, for all you know
this could be
The difference between what you need
and what you want

Every word you never said
echoes down your empty hallway.
And everything that was your world
just came down.

Day breaking on the boulevard,
feel the sun warming up your second hand heart.
Light swimming right across your face
and you think maybe someday, yeah,
maybe someday...

Yeah, for all you know,
for all you know,
yeah, for all that you know,
this is what you wanna be,
girl, what you wanna be.


I found out
on a late-night drive,
in my winter coat,
with my bloodshot eyes.
And my faith ain't been
no friend to me,
and the way I sin
is hanging off of me.

And 'I'm sorry'
it can't take me anywhere.
Pretty soon, we're almost there.
Baby, one more night.
It's been a long, long drive
and I'm way, way tired
I don't need no backup plan

One more time
with a sad, sad smile.
And your white-breath friends
in the circus life,
all the one-way rides
and those sweet beginnings
passing on the left-hand side
with a sideways smile.

And I'm always
one step from stalling
by those trips they make.
Baby, dance all night
with your ass on fire
and your hands up high,
and feel me one more time.

Well, I learn to love myself
and I don't need no one else.
And when the love moves on
'cause it gets cold,
and another moves in
and it could fill the hole,
and I'm one more hopeful
lying on the bedroom floor.

Best Intentions

I had big plans for our future,
I said I'd give you the whole world somehow.
I tried making good on that promise,
thought I'd be so much further by now.
I never could build you a castle,
even though you're the queen of my heart,
but I've had the best of intentions from the start.

Please tell me you will remember,
no matter how much I do wrong,
that I had the best of intentions all along.

I gave you a ring
and I promised you things
I always thought we'd do.
But my best-laid plans
slipped right through my hands
to show my love for you.
And if you could read my heart,
then you'd know without exception,
it was all with the best of intentions.

So here I am asking forgiveness
and praying that you'll understand.
Don't think I take you for granted,
I know just how lucky I am.
And though you deserve so much better,
you won't find devotion more true,
because I had the best of intentions loving you.

I'm not a victim of cliches; I don't believe in soul mates. Happy endings, only one. Oh, but I met you and all of that changed. I had a taste, and you're still sitting on the tip of my tongue. There's always one that gets away- the one that sneaks up on you that slips away.

Distracting

This weekend was a lot of fun; I don't think I've been that social in a long while. It was nice, meeting new people, talking to girls, taking my mind off of all of those things that wear me down, at least for a little while. But I realized this morning when I woke up that that's all that it is; a distraction.

Of the three phone numbers I got this weekend, I probably wont call any of them; I don't really have much interest. I know that I'm not at a point yet where I am ready to start dating again, but almost six months later, you would think I'd be ready to at least start talking to people. I can't even really make myself do that, I just come across as entirely disinterested. I find that every time I talk to a girl, I am only comparing, and because of that, I have yet to be genuinely interested in anyone.

I know that time will make it better. It has to, right? That's what everyone's always telling me. I just wish it were all different. I wish we had ended on better terms, or better yet never ended at all, and I wish that the dynamic of our relationship now was different. If she only knew how much I still miss her. Not just being with her, but her in general. Not necessarily her as my partner, but her as a person. Maybe someday I will build up the resistance to move forward.

Just fade away, please let me stay caught in your way. I could live forever here.

Everything is dark,
everybody’s here,
all I gotta do is get the words right
when the microphone is near.
Shoot off all my thoughts,
maybe make it rhyme,
try to be as honest with myself to them
without committing the crime.
I know that I can’t put it the way
that a better-read person could do,
so I sacrifice my talent for the truth.

So let it burn, let it fall,
let it drain the blood from my legs as I crawl.
And let it circulate right through a vein
that’s never gonna rupture when I fall.

Everybody screams,
then everybody stops.
I just wanna have a little moment when the silence gets me off.
Let me say my peace,
get out of your hair.
All I wanted was to be the backrest
on your broken, hopeless chair.
And I know that the living are lifeless,
and if the doctors could euthanize half of the things
that make me become the person that I hate...

So let it burn, let it fall,
let it drain the blood from my legs as I crawl.
And let it circulate right through a vein
that’s never gonna rupture when I fall.

Everything is dark,
everybody’s here,
all I gotta do is get the words right
when the microphone is near.

Forget It- Breaking Benjamin

It's a crime you let it happen to me,
never mind I let it happen to you.
I don’t mind, forget it, there's nothing to lose
but my mind and all the things I wanted.

Every time I get it, I throw it away,
it's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay.
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me?
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see.

Forget it

There's a place, I see you, follow me,
just a taste of all that might come to be.
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
to question every answer coming.

Just fade away, please let me stay
caught in your way.

Forget it

It's a crime you let it happen to me
I don’t mind, I love it, I'm easy to please.
Never mind, forget it, just memories
on a page inside a spiral notebook.

Just fade away, please let me stay
caught in your way.
I can live forever here.

Forget it

I can live forever here

I Move for Only the Best

In recent times, many things have changed. Many things have come and gone, and some things have stayed the same. We have gone back on our promises, fallen from the safety of our morals, and walked far away from all of our ideas for what was supposed to be. But through all of that change, all of that animosity, and all of that hurt, I was always capable of loving you. I like to tell myself that you were always capable of loving me too, but different circumstances call for different thoughts, I suppose.

God knows that I have failed in more ways than one, but my love for you has never ceased. This is something that I want you to always be completely sure of. Even if you have no more love for me, I will always keep a place for you in my heart, this I promise. I know that I was the one who left, and I know that you say that I have destroyed too much to ever come back. I know that things are different; they have to be. When it all happened, I couldn't say when I'd be back, but I didn't say that I would go forever. I am here, and I will always be here.

It is true that sacrifices must be made to move onward towards the future. I have sacrificed a lot in the past, but one thing I am not willing to let go of is my love for you. I am all too aware that the elements of my love have to change, and I am making a promise to myself right now, as I write this, to try harder to change the way that I love you. I am not one to let go of things easily, so I know that it wont go down without a fight, but I promised you that I would do anything for you, and I will stick to that promise. I will love you in the only way that I feel like I can love you; as my best friend. You are, and forever will be, my best friend.

I don't think that we are at a place yet in our relationship where we can just be friends, and I'm not entirely sure that you even want my friendship at this point. We have a lot of things that were left unsaid, and a lot of things that may never be told to one another, but I can only hope that someday you will realize that I am here, through it all, only for you. And even if I have to love you silently, from far away, that is what I will do. I cherish you, I respect you, and I am proud of you, and it is for those reasons that I will always love you.

So if you need me, I am always here. I will not judge you, I will not abandon you, and I will not hurt you ever again. I am here, as a friend, wherever I can be. You are my heart and my soul, and that I something I can never let go of. You will never lose me as an ally in this life. You mean more to me than you could ever know, and I love you, always and forever, no matter what.

...Who Is She?

AKS: Counter-Psychology.

A woman, of grace,
says I.
I see her, and since the days began,
I adored her.
Her eyes bright, her smile worth the world,
yet she did not see it.

A woman, of kindness,
says I.
I converse with her, and since the days began,
I enjoyed her.
Her laugh cute, her voice worth the stars,
yet she, again, did not see it.

A woman, of beauty,
says I.
I touch her, and since the days began,
I liked her.
A different form of like, so to speak;
enjoyment far beyond belief,
at least in this world.

A woman, of mystery,
says I.
I find her when she hides.
And since the time began, where we shared our stories,
we revered each other.
I hoped to never lose this woman.

But alas, these things happen.

A woman of weakness,
says I.
People have tortured her pure soul,
her pain not made for this world.
Why is this so?
I may have tried to protect her, but it is to my own undoing.
What have I done? I tried so hard
yet she did not believe in me.

Darkness Lies

I watch the rain through the window.
I think about the things that are happening in the world outside.
I wonder if I can live another night
with knowing only what is on the inside.

These walls are my haven
and these walls are my nightmare.
I don't like the people that I see outside,
so I stay
locked away
every day.

Inside, it is just me and my heart.
And believe me when I say
that my heart is my my heads worst enemy.
And believe me when I say
that my head is my hurts best friend.

The hollow night fades into something so desolate.
It is no more and no less than it was the night before.
The darkness brings with it a sense of light;
a light in my mind that my heart tries to savor
but my head closes out.

Just one hand is all I need
to pull me out of this reality.
But of all the grasps I am offered,
the only one I really need is so far out of my reach.

So I leave with the darkness,
moving towards that place where I always hide.
And I'm here for the wishing, here for the waiting
but I am here for nothing else
because the darkness lies.

Crazy for You

Sometimes I think that forgetting would be easier, but that's only when I forget that remembering is the only thing that I have.

Believe me, you aren't the first person to have called me crazy, and I'm sure that you wont be the last. I've heard it before for many reasons, and I'm hearing it now for many different reasons. And I think that, after a while, I finally started believing it too. I look at the words that I say and the things that I do and I think to myself about how crazy it all must seem from the outside; especially to her. I am just a hopeless, lovesick fool who is letting everything pass me by with my clouded emotions and irrational wishes. At least, that's what everyone tells me. But here, on the inside, this is all that I know, and it's the only thing that looks right.
I know that I might seem crazy, but the way I see it, with all of the brokenness in the world, there is plenty of room for a little craziness laced with good intention. With all of the loneliness in the world, I think the broken hearts need a little companionship. So maybe I am crazy for staying around, crazy for the things that I would do for her, and crazy with the way that I feel. But maybe, just maybe, crazy is the only thing that I can offer the world.

Waiting for my Real Life to Begin- Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in,
I'll keep checking the horizon.
And I'll stand on the bow
and feel the waves come crashing,
crashing down, down on me

And you said,
"Be still, my love,
open up your heart,
let the light shine in."
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan;
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened.
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
and down this beaten path
and up this cobbled lane,
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again.

And you say,
"Just be here now,
forget about the past,
your mask is wearing thin."
Baby, just let me throw one more dice,
I know that I can win.
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in.
I'll keep checking the horizon
and I'll check my machine,
there's sure to be that call.
It's gonna happen soon,
oh so very soon,
it's just that times are lean.

And you say,
"Be still, my love,
open up your heart,
let the light shine in."
But don't you understand?
I already have a plan;
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way...

Rekindled Love Affair

"What do you think he would say to us right now if we were in session with him?"
"He would probably ask what each of us wants."
"And we would say... 'we don't know.'"
"And he would ask, 'what are you afraid of, Tina?'"
"Hm... Fucking it all up."
"What else are you afraid of, Tina?"
"I'm afraid of what everyone will think of us, how they'll will judge us, how hurt Jodi will be."
"She already knows there's something wrong."
"Did you tell her about us?"
"God, no. I've been such a fucking coward. And, you know, but it's not like we really...I don't know. It was never just...easy."
"What do you mean, never easy?"
"Well we don't share the same values, Jodi and I."
"Do you think we share the same values?"
"Of course I do. I mean, I think that's why we were able to parent together when things were the most acrimonious between us. It's so fucking rare, Tina. We both care about the quality of life. And I like the choices you make, the things that you surround yourself with. There is attention to beauty, and I think that's important. And I'm comfortable with the people in your world and I think you're comfortable with the people in mine."
"We like the same people."
"And we dislike the same people."
"Yes."
"We'd both rather stay in on New Years Eve.
What is it that you're afraid of?"
"I'm afraid that I'm destructive. That if I have something good, I feel compelled to destroy it it.
"Look, I am not so pure and innocent, okay; I was awful. When I was with Henry, I was flailing. Look how I treated you, I used Angelica against you, I was...
"I love you."
"...I was despicable."
"I love you. I have no doubt about that. I'm just afraid that..."
"That everything you're feeling right now is because we're not really together? It's an affair."
"No."
"But it is."
"For me, when I really search myself, it doesn't feel like an affair. For me, it feels like I'm coming home."

"I don't know what to do."
"You're in love with Jodi, right?"
I adore her, and I respect and admire her but..."
"But what?"
"It doesn't really compare..."
"I miss you."

Goodbye Again- Vertical Horizon

I'm on the outside looking in,
what do I see?
So much of this left to begin,
where would I be?
I'm on the outside looking in,
cover me through this night.

I guess I don't know what's left to say,
but hear me out.
All of the dreams of yesterday
keep breaking me down.
What's on the outside, can you say,
or am I getting carried away?

I'm getting on, what's the use?
You know how I get.
I can't decide which is the truth,
at least not yet.
I have the feeling that it's you,
but what can be said, alone in this room?

Who wants you now?
Maybe somebody else.
I'll wait around,
maybe you'll forget you were ever here
but maybe you'll forget you were ever, never here.

I'm on the outside looking down,
what do I see?
So much of this cold in the ground,
where would I be?
On the outside, looking down,
cover me before you go.

Your falling out,
I'm falling in,
so it's goodbye again.
It's way past time
for one last try ,
so it's goodbye again.
Goodbye again.

The Replacement

There was once a time where you said you were mine
I was that one you said you could never replace.
But the damage is done and now I'm only the one
that you blame for the tears on your face.

It took you no time at all just to sit back and fall
into another one's love for a while.
Now I am stuck here and it all seems so clear
that you faked all our love with that smile.

So yes, I am down, and when you come around
I get back on my feet just to see
if you'll be the one to get my hurting undone
and let me be the replacement of me.

Cold As You- Taylor Swift

You have a way of coming easily to me
and when you take, you take the very best of me.
So I start a fight because I need to feel something
and you do what you want, 'cause I'm not what you wanted.

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sitting here, thinking it through,
I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray,
and I stood there loving you and wished them all away.
And you come away with a great little story
of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

You never did give a damn thing honey
but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told anybody
if I died, died for you
I died for you.

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Every smile you fake is so condescending, counting all the scars you made.
And now that I'm sitting here, thinking it through,
I've never been anywhere cold as you.

Tell Me A Lie- Griffin House

Dressing my voice up on the phone
underneath the envy rotting my bones.
I’d do anything to get you alone,
if just for awhile.

Blame it on the way that I talk,
you can blame it on the way that I look,
you can blame it on the stuff that I drank,
and the pills that I took.

Tell me a lie,
if it’s true.
Have you done all the things
I never wanted you to?

Baby, is she all that you dreamed?
I think about you every night that I go to sleep.
You’re laying there wrapped up in her arms
how we used to be.

Are you seriously falling in love,
or do you do it just to get back at me?
I deserve to take it, I guess,
I just wish we could be.

Tell me a lie,
if it’s true.
Have I done all the things
I never wanted to do?

I know you hate it when I play you my songs
because there's not one of them when you weren’t involved.
I bet you wish I’d take the issue at hand
and just get it solved.

Tripping myself up on my words
Writing checks that I couldn’t cash
I rip ‘em up and throw ‘em away
Then dig ‘em out of the trash

You won’t believe me if I promise again,
but I’m telling you that I can change.
I’d scream it at the top of my lungs,
but it’s out of my range

Tell me a lie if it’s true.
Have you done all the things
I never wanted you to?
Tell me a lie if it’s true.
Have I done all the things
I never wanted to do?
Have I lost the only chance I had with you?

I remember when we fell in love;
you were the one I thought I'd never meet
I taste your words on the tip of my tongue;
they were soft and they were sweet.
But we ran into some trouble,
we knew our love was slowly dying.
And when we said the words that ended us,
I headed out toward Liberty Line.
The night was some kind of quiet,
I could almost here myself think.
I felt my heart was like a heavy flood,
I'm gonna float or I'm gonna sink.
I was thinking we could settle down,
start a family, and start a life.
I was only two days short
of asking you if you would be my wife.
But we ran into some trouble,
we met that enemy that we call time.
Threw my guitar in the back of my car
and headed out toward Liberty Line.

~Griffin House

Missed My Chance- Griffin House

Passed through Main Street yesterday
and, oh, this town just isn't the same.
Looked in the window and it was gone,
all those tables I'd written on
were vanished as if I had never been there.
Like the poets and prophets who can't find the words
so they stare.
And all that made sense has somehow turned askew.
I missed my chance with you.

There were seconds, then minutes, then years that I could not breathe.
In the Pere Lachaise with the hammer the chisel and the stone.
Now I've bartered and begged for what I believed
and I saw that the name engraved was my own.
Now there's nothing so peaceful as when I met you.
and there's nothing so lonely as when it was through.
And the words "I'm not here anymore" echo into
"I missed my chance with you"

Had love play so many tricks on me,
I've always felt cheated that you'd make me leave.
Like taking my sight after letting me see,
I found out love had something up it's sleeve.
Leave me scattered like leaves by winds that never blew.
When I captured the starts in the palm of my hand,
it was true;
I'd just give them back
to you.

I was eighteen, but just for one year.
I always knew one day I'd end up here.
And the sands have now fallen to the evening of my afternoon.
I'm always so ready to stay, and always leaving too soon.
And I don't want to think about it now, but I do
And my spirit is restless, because I know it's true,
I missed my chance with you.

An Inadequate Fairy Tale

I sit on the curb and think fondly of the nights
where we both knew of love and we both did it right.
But now you're both burning with these lies of delight
a feeling that neither are willing to fight.

The world goes by through passing glances,
with solitude and with sweet romances,
through dreaming dreams and midnight dances
through passing time with no second chances.

And through their teeth they mumble lies;
those three-word notions in a quaint disguise.
That tongue-in-cheek thing that I despise,
on the broken wings of compromise.

Hand in hand they walk along,
dancing to that "happy" song.
All the while knowing the feeling is wrong.
Wanting to leave but not being that strong.

The night starts to fall as they open the door
thinking 'maybe this can last just a little while more'.
but both leave their hearts lying dead on the floor
for the love of the one that they think they adore.

I see them walk towards me with their wounded-heart style,
both of them reeking with internal denial.
She looks to me quickly with her half-hearted smile
as if giving me her soul to put it on trial.

I'm not one to judge but I think that it's true,
even though I would have never expected it from you.
You pretend to understand things that you haven't thought through
and you ride on the backs of the others who lie too.

As you walk through the darkness with your hand in hers
I cry in the dark, wishing my heart were with yours
and the feelings pass by, drenched in millions of blurs
and I think to myself how this often occurs.

That I know her better than she ever could see
and she tells me she's better now that she's not with me.
But in this broken heart sanctuary, I see three:
her love-longing future, her past, and then me.

When you lose your art, you lose your passion.
When you lose your passion, you lose your individuality.
When you lose your individuality, you lose yourself.

Her skin is kind of sort of brownish, pinkish, yellowish white.
Her eyes are a brownish red, but they look orange in the night.
Her hair is a reddish brown, but it's darker when it's wet.
And all of the colors she is inside
have not been invented yet.

When I die, I wish to come back as one of her tears.
What man would be so lucky
as to have been conceived in her heart,
born in her eyes,
live on her cheeks,
and die at her lips?

All I do is act on my passions and they call it sin.
All I do is tell the truth and they call me a hypocrite.
All feel is pain and sorrow and they call it love.
All I do is pour my heart out to empty pages and they call it poetry.
~Benito Behar

When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the depths of darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things: Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.
~Claire Norris

It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest.
It's no secret, ambition bites the nails of success.
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief,
all kill their inspiration and sing about the grief.