The Last Night

It was so hard to hear her say the things she said to me that she said last night. Not quite as hard as "I'm not in love with you anymore" but definitely comparable. I think the hardest part about it was the fact that she was affirming something that was always in the back of my mind; that I had lied to myself for seven months. Every time I was sad, every time I felt myself slipping, I told myself "it will be okay. You love her and she loves you; it will all work out someday. It has to. We will be together again in time. We will have our family back. It will all work out."
Those pep talks were what got me though the toughest days. The days when I would sit and cry for hours, thinking of the things I had lost, the ways that I hurt her, and the ways I had let them down. I always think about the way things could have been; I guess it's always my downfall. I have always known that I can't go back and change any of it, that's obvious. I just always thought that, in time, I would get it right; right enough for her to want me back.
It's hard to think that I am still here in this place where all I know is hurting. It's been so long since we broke up, but at the same time, it feels like it was yesterday. It's hard to think that I can't let go when it took her almost no time at all to get out of that place. Now, don't get me wrong, I would never wish this pain on her, I just wish that it still affected her a little more than it does. I can't really blame her for moving on, with everything that happened and everything that was said, but I wish I didn't have this overwhelming feeling that we never were as good as we thought we were. I feel like if she were as in love with me as she always claimed to be that it would have taken more time and more effort for her to to let me go. But, then again, I'm sure she thinks that if I were as in love with her as I claimed to be, that I never would have gone away. I know that I love her and I know that I always have; my leaving had nothing to do with love. And then, it had everything to do with love.
I know that I was the one who left, but I never let her go. I cried every night thinking about everything that she was going through and everything that we had gone through together. I wanted more than anything to be there for her, but I didn't know how. We were both so broken, and the fact that I was too weak to help her killed me. But I never lost my love for her. Even to this day she is the only one who has my heart. And even after everything we have gone through, she is still the only one that I trust with it.

The last month or so that we were together, I was always so afraid. I was afraid that we were losing our friendship, and that was the most important part of who we were as a couple. I tried to convince myself that it would be okay, that it would all work out in time, but that eventually led to everything that happened; all of that destruction and pain. Had I been more proactive, more involved, we could be in a totally different place right now. I just didn't know what to do to fix us and, because of my stubborn, hard-headed personality, I felt weakened by that. My relationship was falling apart and the girl that I love more than life was hurting in a way that I didn't know how to fix. It scared the hell out of me. The only thing I knew to do was leave. I thought that maybe if we had time apart that we would realize what needed to be changed and what needed to be worked on and we could start over again in a new place. But I never really conveyed to her that that was my intention, I just assumed that she would have known. I always had the intention of coming back, I just never told her that. And I knew at the time that I should have told her that, I wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to look at her and ask her to work on something that was killing her inside. I don't really know why I expected her to work so hard on something that wasn't there and something that she wasn't sure she would get back. So, while I worked on loving her, she worked on letting me go. It was all just an extreme failure in communication. I am completly literate, but I have never really been good with words. At least not ones with feelings behind them.
I guess you really don't ever know what you have until it's gone. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed that night. I would have talked to her about everything I was thinking and everything that I thought we needed to work on. I would have never let her go. I would have put aside my stupid, selfish, foolish pride and let her love me the way I think she wanted to all along. Love could have worked it out better than space. Just another thing that I have learned.

From the time we met until the time we broke up, I had never been happier. She was everything that I ever wanted that I never thought that I deserved. Her love for Wesley fascinated me and her love for me was unbreakable. She made all of the anger in me disappear and erased everything that had scared me before. She had a smile that made my heart beat so fast that I thought it would explode. She loved me without hesitation and always kept me safe. She was my hero.
I miss her every single day. I am dead inside without her. Most of the time, I feel nothing; I am numb. The other times, all I feel is sadness. I have never been this sad. The only time that I am truly happy now is when I see Wes. He is the only thing that keeps me going.

You'd think that I would be different, seeing as how I grew up in a family where nothing was ever resolved because everyone just left it alone or avoided it all-together, but I guess I learned far less from that situation than I thought I did. I did what I always told myself I would never do, what my mother did, and what destroyed my family; I left. I left behind the two best things in my life, the two people who were my entire future. I didn't talk to her about how I was feeling, I just assumed, and I lost my family because of it.
I know that I can't change any of it now and that I need to come to terms with what happened and move on, but it's so hard to think about everything that I lost, everything that we lost, and everything that she is convinced we could never get back.
I just wish she knew that I would do anything in my power for another chance to be with her. I know that we have been through a lot, but I think that could make our relationship stronger, as long as we were both willing to make it work. She isn't in love with me anymore, and that is so hard for me to come to terms with. If I had the chance, I would marry her tomorrow, or today even. The note that I found that I wrote to Scott right before Kristen and I broke up still sits in my notebook. I don't really know why I keep it, since I know now that we will never be together again, but I guess I just like reading it because it reminds me of how much love I have always had for her. Even when we were struggling, I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I need to move on, but I never want to lose that love. It makes me better, it makes me stronger. It always has.
I guess you really don't ever know what you have until it's gone. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed that night. I would have talked to her about everything I was thinking and everything that I thought we needed to work on. I would have never let her go.
One more chance is all I need to make it right, but she doesn't want it. As much as I think we can do it, she thinks we can't. So I guess the only chance I have now is to be the best friend to her that I can. I will always be there for her and I will always be there for Wesley. I just hope she knows that she always has my heart, and she will always be my girl.