Lovesick

These tears mean nothing,
pouring down my face for you.
These words are empty,
raining from my tired lips.
That's what I see your eyes telling me.
We've both become so good
at simple justice.

I am here, tethered to torture,
because I want you so bad.
And I want nothing more than to kiss you,
to hold your hand,
to be your hardened lover.
But all-the-while you're just so proud of yourself
because your disease saves my life.

Maybe I'm just tired
of the sentimental weakness you possess.
Or maybe I'm just scared to be too strong
or scared to be too weak.
I know I'm not what you thought I could have been.
I know I mean no more than nothing.
But without me, you'd have no one to hate.

My heart's in your hands
and you bring out the knife.
And the only time I ever lied to you
was when I said that I was done.
If I had known it then, it would be so different.
Now I know that I am far from the end.

I will never leave your side,
no matter how hard you push.
I may be weak, but I will stay here,
tethered strong,
if only for you.

Life After You- Daughtry

Ten miles from town and I just broke down,
spitting out smoke on the side of the road.
I'm out here alone just trying to get home
to tell you I was wrong
but you already know.

Believe me I will stop at nothing to see you
so I've started running...

And all that I'm after is a life full of laughter
as long as I'm laughing with you.
I'm thinking that all that still matters
is love ever after,
after the life we've been through.
Because I know there's no life after you.

Last time we talked, the night that I walked,
burns like an iron in the back of my mind.
I must have been high to say you and I
weren't meant to be and just wasting my time.

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you.

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one.
After this time I spent alone,
it's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind.
Thinking about the better times,
I must have been out of my mind,
so I'm running back to tell you...
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter.
Without you, God knows what I'd do.

And all that I'm after is a life full of laughter
as long as I'm laughing with you.
I'm thinking that all that still matters
is love ever after,
after the life we've been through.
Because I know there's no life after you.

Mean- P!nk

You used to hold the door for me,
now you can't wait to leave.
You used to send flowers
if you fucked up in my dreams.

I used to make you laugh
with all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes
and walk away and shake your head.

When the spark has gone and the candles are out,
when the song is done and there's no more sound,
whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking...

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free?
Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong,
I just can't wake up on the floor
like a thousand times before
knowing that forever won't be.

Always sentimental
when I think of how it was.
When love was sweet and new
and we just couldn't get enough.
The shower, it reminds me,
you'd undress me with your eyes.
And now you never touch me
and you tell me that you're tired.

Oh, we said some things that we can never take back.
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track.
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe,
but we should have drank it down while it was still sweet;
it all goes bad eventually.

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone?
I've gotten so used to this abuse, it kind of feels like home.
But, my baby, I just really wanna know,
how did we get so mean?

This is the only autobiography that I will write and, God, I am writing it on toilet paper...

I had only told the truth, is that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have; it is the very last inch of us. And within that inch, we are free.

The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again. We moved to a small flat in London together, she grew scarlet carsons for me in our window box, and our place always smelled of roses. Those were the best years of my life.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change... I still don't understand it.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years, I had roses and apologized to no one.

I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch but one.
An inch; it is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away; we must never let them take it from us.
I hope that, whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and the things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

Stationary Thoughts

I think she is wrong; something is different. Something is very different.
Maybe it's not so much that she has changed alone, but rather that we have changed together.
I have gained a sensitivity that she has lost.
I have fallen where she stands.
I have developed that sense of fairy tale thinking that she used to have.
She has been a reflection of everything I didn't want to have effect her.
She is something I thought I would never know; at least not in her.
She has cried and I have cried.
We have both lost a lot of hope.
There is no more gentle compassion.
There is no more passionate light.
There is no more forever friendship.
There is no more chance and there is no more forgiveness.
She has become almost a stranger to me now; I think that is what she wants.
I cry over something that I could never change, because she wants nothing to do with that.
If I let go, I am scared that I will break.
If I hold on like this, breaking is inevitable.
I need guidance and strength. I need a well-lit road. I need a friend to walk with me.
I need everything that I used to have; everything that I threw away.

Far Away- Nickelback

This time, this place,
misused mistakes.
Too long, too late,
who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance,
just one breath,
just in case there's just one left.
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

that I love you,
I have loved you all along.
And I miss you,
been far away for far too long.
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go.
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore.

On my knees I'll ask,
last chance for one last dance.
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand.
I'd give it all,
I'd give for us.
Give anything but I won't give up.

So far away,
been far away for far too long.

I wanted,
I wanted you to stay
'cause I needed,
and I need to hear you say...
That I love you
and I have loved you all along.
And I forgive you
for being away for far too long.
So keep breathing
'cause I'm not leaving you anymore.
Believe it,
hold on to me, never let me go
Keep breathing

Hold on to me, never let me go

I need to work on my story. I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things, bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. I simply have no rhythm anymore. Rhythm calls for liveliness, and I cannot feign an ounce.

Here Comes the...

I have been in an awkward state of confusion today (not unlike how I am many other days). But today is a bit different than most other days. Today I am more pensive and less poignant. I can usually put my feelings into words with little effort at all. But today, I really just felt the urge to think. And so that's what I did. My day off was spent driving around, listening to music, and relieving memories that I know should probably be long forgotten. The difference about today, unlike many of my other days filled with pensive inactivity, is that I didn't feel guilty at the end of it all.

I have come to terms with a lot of circumstances in my life, made peace with myself for a lot of the decisions that I have made, and let go of a lot of ideas that used to bring me down. I can't say that I'm not still hung up on some things, but I think that I deal with them a lot better than I was dealing with them a few months ago. And I think that this will progressively get better. And my hopes are that this will improve both my life and the lives of those I am closest to.

I know that I have been...different lately. Part of it is natural, considering the things I've gone through in the past six months, but other parts are selfish and unjustifiable. I have been mean and I have been selfish, and I have hurt a lot of people that I genuinely love more than anything. And for this, I apologize. For a long time, I was just in a back-and-forth pattern of self-pity and arrogant attitude; I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed, but for some reason, I just couldn't seem to get control of myself long enough to start making those things happen. I got far too hung up on unrequited feelings, I read into things way too much, and my expectations for my own situations were unrealistic and damn near impossible.

But from this point on, what happens, happens. I know that I can't control everything or force anything, I can only make sure that I do all that I can to make things happen. There are a lot of things I don't know, and a lot of things I may never know. There are a lot of things that I want that not one can guarantee I will ever get. But that is the beauty of it all; things change and things adjust, we just have to adjust right along with them.

So for tonight, all I can say is this:
I love you, I always will. I do not know where our relationship will go from here; that is all up to you.
I will always want you back; you are my better half. I will always want your friendship; you are the best part of me. But I know that you cannot or do not want to be with me again at this point. And maybe you never will, but I am not at a point where I can give up that hope.
I can't tell you that you should take me back, because if I were in your situation, I'm not sure I could forgive some of the things that I said and did either. But I know that we have both grown over the past six months, and, despite my intentions, I have grown more in love with you. I have realized the mistakes that I made and realized how to fix some of the issues that I had that hindered us in the past. I think of you every day, and I love you now just as much, if not more, than I always have. I am sure that, given the chance, I could prove this to you, but right now, I can't risk our friendship.
I respect your relationship and I respect your happiness and I always will. If you are happy with with where you are now, I will not intentionally do anything to adversely affect that. I will never again come between you and your happiness. I miss you every day, and I love you every night. I hope that someday life will bring us back together, but for now, I will be here for you as you need. You are my best friend, no questions.
I love you, always and forever, no matter what.

Rules of Unattraction

"What does it mean?"
"Well...it doesn't have to mean anything. I mean, being attracted to someone is no big deal, it's just an attraction. We just... we have to agree not to act on it."
"Okay, how do we do that?"
"Well, we just took the first step; we took the power out of it."
"Uh huh. I think we need to take the second step."
"Yeah. Okay. We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive. We need, like... rules of unattraction."
"Okay, like, never be alone together in places like the bathroom at the Planet.
"Right, never be alone together."
"Especially never be alone together in places where there's like a bed or a couch..."
"Right. Or a table, or a floor, or the backseat of a car..."
"Oh that'd be good. That wouldn't be good."
"Okay you need to stop showing up at the Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty, and your veins are popping all over the place."
"You like that? Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts anymore."
"What shirts?"
"You know, the ones where they cling to you in some places and fall off of you in others."
"Hm."
"Fuck you."
"Okay, that's totally against the rules."

It's Just Something Not-So-Desirably Sentimental

Before it went away, love was never really a big deal
But now, every night, it gets harder to sleep
and easier to lay in bed and dream of you.

And now that I'm sober, I'll waste some more of this conversation
talking about things of no obvious relation
to the feelings outside of the awkward translation
of the feelings I still have for you.

And I never told you what I thought it could be
because what you don't know, it can't hurt you.
So it tore up my soul and it tore us apart
and I became just the one to desert you.

So please excuse me as I run away from the you in me
thank you for the sentiment in tearing me down.
Is it as hard for you to hate me as it is
for me to hate you?

I'll spend weeks trying to clean out my mind
of all of the weakness that all of the others find
is weighing me down.
But I'll still be around.
Because, in historic sense, it's just how I am.
That's the masochist in me;
it's the lover in me.

I see you smile, I see you laugh, I thank myself for leaving.
But then I see you cry and I kill myself for believing
that leaving is what I should have done.

I wish I could have just one more chance,
one more chance to make it right
to prove to you that you are my life.

I try to fade away
to what you led me to believe you want.
But you will forever be a memory
that I will try my best not to want.
If only for you.

Gone

Making plans for the future while I'm stuck in the past
staying here in the moment is just too much to ask.
And the closest I got was the furthest from gone,
my heart never left, it's been here all along.

There's a headache of pills and a heartache of lust
and that bitter taste lingers on my lips laced in dust.
And the covers are wrinkled, the window are cracked,
and the broken-down bruises on my arms take me back

to the lessons of losing the touch of her hand
and the fingers of honesty I could not understand.
As her touch slipped away, I sat holding my heart
with the blood dripping faintly to the place where I start

to begin to understand all the feelings we share.
Will they stay gone forever or is forever impaired
by the love I still have for your memory, strong?
Because this love that I have is the furthest from gone.


You know you're the only one who can take me, break me, shake me, make me want to see the other side. You're the only one who can save me, but the truth is, you're the only one who has ever tried.

The Difference- Matchbox 20

Slow dancing on the boulevard
in the quiet moments while the city's still dark.
Sleepwalking through the summer rain
in the tired spaces, you could hear her name
When she was warm and tender
and you held her arms around you,
there was nothing but her love and affection.
She was crazy for you,
now she's part of something that you lost.

And for all you know
this could be the difference between what you need
and what you wanna be.

Night swimming in her diamond dress
making small circles move across the surface.
Stand watching from the steady shore
feeling wide open and waiting for
something warm and tender.
Now she's moving further from you,
there was nothing that could make it easy on you.
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking on

Yeah, for all you know
this could be
The difference between what you need
and what you want

Every word you never said
echoes down your empty hallway.
And everything that was your world
just came down.

Day breaking on the boulevard,
feel the sun warming up your second hand heart.
Light swimming right across your face
and you think maybe someday, yeah,
maybe someday...

Yeah, for all you know,
for all you know,
yeah, for all that you know,
this is what you wanna be,
girl, what you wanna be.


I found out
on a late-night drive,
in my winter coat,
with my bloodshot eyes.
And my faith ain't been
no friend to me,
and the way I sin
is hanging off of me.

And 'I'm sorry'
it can't take me anywhere.
Pretty soon, we're almost there.
Baby, one more night.
It's been a long, long drive
and I'm way, way tired
I don't need no backup plan

One more time
with a sad, sad smile.
And your white-breath friends
in the circus life,
all the one-way rides
and those sweet beginnings
passing on the left-hand side
with a sideways smile.

And I'm always
one step from stalling
by those trips they make.
Baby, dance all night
with your ass on fire
and your hands up high,
and feel me one more time.

Well, I learn to love myself
and I don't need no one else.
And when the love moves on
'cause it gets cold,
and another moves in
and it could fill the hole,
and I'm one more hopeful
lying on the bedroom floor.

Best Intentions

I had big plans for our future,
I said I'd give you the whole world somehow.
I tried making good on that promise,
thought I'd be so much further by now.
I never could build you a castle,
even though you're the queen of my heart,
but I've had the best of intentions from the start.

Please tell me you will remember,
no matter how much I do wrong,
that I had the best of intentions all along.

I gave you a ring
and I promised you things
I always thought we'd do.
But my best-laid plans
slipped right through my hands
to show my love for you.
And if you could read my heart,
then you'd know without exception,
it was all with the best of intentions.

So here I am asking forgiveness
and praying that you'll understand.
Don't think I take you for granted,
I know just how lucky I am.
And though you deserve so much better,
you won't find devotion more true,
because I had the best of intentions loving you.

I'm not a victim of cliches; I don't believe in soul mates. Happy endings, only one. Oh, but I met you and all of that changed. I had a taste, and you're still sitting on the tip of my tongue. There's always one that gets away- the one that sneaks up on you that slips away.

Distracting

This weekend was a lot of fun; I don't think I've been that social in a long while. It was nice, meeting new people, talking to girls, taking my mind off of all of those things that wear me down, at least for a little while. But I realized this morning when I woke up that that's all that it is; a distraction.

Of the three phone numbers I got this weekend, I probably wont call any of them; I don't really have much interest. I know that I'm not at a point yet where I am ready to start dating again, but almost six months later, you would think I'd be ready to at least start talking to people. I can't even really make myself do that, I just come across as entirely disinterested. I find that every time I talk to a girl, I am only comparing, and because of that, I have yet to be genuinely interested in anyone.

I know that time will make it better. It has to, right? That's what everyone's always telling me. I just wish it were all different. I wish we had ended on better terms, or better yet never ended at all, and I wish that the dynamic of our relationship now was different. If she only knew how much I still miss her. Not just being with her, but her in general. Not necessarily her as my partner, but her as a person. Maybe someday I will build up the resistance to move forward.

Just fade away, please let me stay caught in your way. I could live forever here.