Snuff- Slipknot

Bury all your secrets in my skin.
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage
and love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.

So if you love me, let me go
and run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.

Deliver me into my fate.
If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you.
Oh, my smile was taken long ago.
If I can change, I hope I never know.

I still press your letters to my lips
and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.
I couldn't face a life without your lights,
but all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.

So save your breath, I will not care,
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend,
then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint,
oh, my own was banished long ago.
It took the death of hope to let you go.

So break yourself against my stones
and spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help,
you sold me out to save yourself.

And I won't listen to your shame,
You ran away, you're all the same.
Angels lie to keep control,
my love was punished long ago.
If you still care don?t ever let me know.

Someday, I could have my own children; that is something to want. I will give them yellow roses and, if they get too loud, I will send them to some quiet place. And I will kiss them every day and tell them, 'You don't have to be anybody, because I would know that being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway.'

Good morning, Love

I woke up this morning to Wesley playing with my hair. When I opened my eyes, he smiled, hugged me and said, "hi, Mommy Ashley."
I love him more than anything.

Ex, Jane

She chose the name of Jane.
She lives off of cigarettes and champagne,
always looking for a thrill.

Stays out until the break of dawn,
wakes up wondering what's going on.
Happy ever after is what she's killed.

And everybody learns from someone else;
you can have what you want
but you just might lose yourself.

You'll never get it down until you know;
if you want to feel the heat,
you have to let your heart get cold
I don't really ever want to know.

I'm done will all the sappy rhymes
of jilted lovers and sorrowed times.
Of broken-hearted, desperate lines
and troubled, maddened, sickened minds.
Baby, you can't have me anymore.

"...Some days, I sit in my small apartment with my loneliness, an unwanted guest, the pain intense enough that I keep my arms wrapped around my middle. I can almost envision it in there- a tiny girl with dead eyes, sitting alone in the dark. I hold her tightly, trying to bring her back to life. On these days, I don't want anyone. Being alone feels more honest..."

It is amazing how we can spend our entire lives searching for who we think we want to be.
Sometimes we try so hard to find ourselves that we end up more lost.
Sometimes we just end up going in circles forever.
Sometimes we don't know that we're trying at all.
Whichever the case, we must never stop searching.

I stare at the moon and I think of you.
I can't help but wonder if you're thinking too.

The Last Time

“This is the last time,” she says, as she coyly presses her body against mine, her lips grazing my ear. The words echo in my head like bullets in a tin barrel, but I still can’t make myself believe them.
“I know,” I mouth to her, offering what I think she views as condolence.
I look deep into her eyes, hoping to see the girl that I wish that she was. But there is nothing inside of her but an empty, hollowness.

She kisses me. I feel it in my soul, as I had always hoped to; just as I always had. I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t be the last time, but the tears that slowly ran down my face showed her that my mind thought differently. I couldn’t let her see that I knew she was wrong.

She always was my downfall. She always was my strength, and she will always be my weakness. I still can’t really explain the yearning that I have for her. It is something that steals all of my soul and makes me abandon all control. Maybe that is really what has always drawn me to her. Maybe that inconceivable dispossession of something I have based my entire existence on is the one thing that sets me free. Either way, all of that comes from her presence. It comes solely from her existence in my life.

I feel the morning light being to break, burning its hourglass into the dark room that we used to rest in together.

This is the last time.

I look to my left and see her lying, face down, on the bed. I look to my right and see that the walls are painted a light shade of blue. It is amazing how things change. Even the most subtle of things can take you by such surprise.

I walk towards her, knowing that this is another moment of change, another letting go. Not for the first time, she is more than what I knew she was. I see in her a new kind of beauty. She is closer to me than before, but at the same, she is farther away.
Time has changed things, that is for sure.
Tonight, even her name sounds different.
Her touch is less credible, and her whispers are louder and less sincere.
The colors in her eyes seem mute; faded by my ruthlessness. They now mirror the blue on the wall as they attempt to mask (quite ineffectively) the sadness in her heart.

At this point, I know that it’s not going to stop. I have searched for a cure for this love for some time now, to no avail.

She looks to me.

I sigh.

“I still love you,” I say, as I walk out the door.

This is the last time.

"...I lie in bed and think about what I did. It is still too close to think too much about, the loss too raw. But knowing that he hurts makes me feel a little better. All the time that we were together, I got so little from him. I have to wonder if I did this in part to see if he cared. To prove to myself that I was loved. I don't like seeing this about myself. It's selfish and insensitive. Worse, it reminds me of something my mother might do, then claim herself as a victim..."

The Brilliant Dance- Dashboard

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters Lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?

And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange;
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down,
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task,
and thinking's just too much to ask,
and you're measuring your minutes
by a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible,
starving,
insatiable.
Yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well, weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.

You meant nothing more
to me than everything.

Manchester Orchestra- Please, Don't Go

On the outside of your window I lie
and make all my plans for the week.
I can talk all night long about those that I love;
well who's strong and who's weak?

In her little black box, she keeps pictures of Jesus
and the bruises she received again.
In his little black box, he keeps his innocence
and the tears when he said "don't go..."

But she didn't listen, did she?
"Don't go, Darling, don't go"

Realizing that he didn't need her as much
as he needed fixing again
wasn't half as hard as he thought it was going to be.
Well, at least you're being honest

Don't go, but you never listen, do you?
Don't go, just go, don't go.

Can you hear my voice on the telephone,
trying to feel alive again?
Finally realized that I didn't need them at all,
much less to feel alive again.

The Girl I Used to Love

As I was looking through a bunch of old pictures this morning, I came to a realization that made my body ache and my stomach churn. I realized that I don't even know her anymore.
That statement is true on two different levels:
On the first level, I don't know who she is as a person. I don't know how she spends her time, I don't know where she works, I don't know what books she reads or what kind of foods she eats or what she wants her life to turn into...
Now, all of that may seem like trivial things that should be unimportant to an ex, but all of that is the precursor to second part of not knowing her, which is the part that deeply saddens me. The second part to this is the fact that I don't know any of the things that I used to know about her. I don't know who her friends are anymore, I don't know her favorite song or her favorite movies or her favorite color. So many things have changed that I have no clue anymore who she is. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger to me now, and that sucks. She was the biggest part of my life for such a long time, and now she is nothing more than a memory. The girl I knew and loved is gone.
The girl I knew loved daisies and the little purple flowers that grow on the side of the road. The girl I knew loved the smell of old books and dreamed of someday owning her own used book store. The girl I knew feared instruments with strings but loved the sound of a guitar being played. The girl I knew got excited when she got a ten dollar bill from a customer at work. The girl I knew loved swings and children and photographs and vintage rings. The girl I knew was filled with an innocence that I envied. The girl I knew was passionate, caring, gentle. The girl I knew was simple, yet complex.
Now, the only thing I know is that the girl I knew is different. The simplicity wore off and the complexity turned to cynicism. The innocence washed away with the passion. There is no girl that I used to love, there is only a memory of her.

When the Time is Right- Griffin House

It can be a real long road;
it can be a lonely night
when you're on your own
and you're running out of light.
It can be a real long ride
when your running out of time.

So when the time is right,
don't hold back.

Doesn't matter who you are;
doesn't matter where you've been.
Doesn't matter where you start;
only matters where you end.

It can be a real long road
when I'm looking in your eyes.
Give me just one more chance,
give me just one more try.

When the time is right,
don't hold back.

Doesn't matter who you are;
doesn't matter where you've been.
Doesn't matter where you start;
only matters where you end.

So when the time is right,
please, don't hold back.