The Last Time

“This is the last time,” she says, as she coyly presses her body against mine, her lips grazing my ear. The words echo in my head like bullets in a tin barrel, but I still can’t make myself believe them.
“I know,” I mouth to her, offering what I think she views as condolence.
I look deep into her eyes, hoping to see the girl that I wish that she was. But there is nothing inside of her but an empty, hollowness.

She kisses me. I feel it in my soul, as I had always hoped to; just as I always had. I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t be the last time, but the tears that slowly ran down my face showed her that my mind thought differently. I couldn’t let her see that I knew she was wrong.

She always was my downfall. She always was my strength, and she will always be my weakness. I still can’t really explain the yearning that I have for her. It is something that steals all of my soul and makes me abandon all control. Maybe that is really what has always drawn me to her. Maybe that inconceivable dispossession of something I have based my entire existence on is the one thing that sets me free. Either way, all of that comes from her presence. It comes solely from her existence in my life.

I feel the morning light being to break, burning its hourglass into the dark room that we used to rest in together.

This is the last time.

I look to my left and see her lying, face down, on the bed. I look to my right and see that the walls are painted a light shade of blue. It is amazing how things change. Even the most subtle of things can take you by such surprise.

I walk towards her, knowing that this is another moment of change, another letting go. Not for the first time, she is more than what I knew she was. I see in her a new kind of beauty. She is closer to me than before, but at the same, she is farther away.
Time has changed things, that is for sure.
Tonight, even her name sounds different.
Her touch is less credible, and her whispers are louder and less sincere.
The colors in her eyes seem mute; faded by my ruthlessness. They now mirror the blue on the wall as they attempt to mask (quite ineffectively) the sadness in her heart.

At this point, I know that it’s not going to stop. I have searched for a cure for this love for some time now, to no avail.

She looks to me.

I sigh.

“I still love you,” I say, as I walk out the door.

This is the last time.