Here Comes the...

I have been in an awkward state of confusion today (not unlike how I am many other days). But today is a bit different than most other days. Today I am more pensive and less poignant. I can usually put my feelings into words with little effort at all. But today, I really just felt the urge to think. And so that's what I did. My day off was spent driving around, listening to music, and relieving memories that I know should probably be long forgotten. The difference about today, unlike many of my other days filled with pensive inactivity, is that I didn't feel guilty at the end of it all.

I have come to terms with a lot of circumstances in my life, made peace with myself for a lot of the decisions that I have made, and let go of a lot of ideas that used to bring me down. I can't say that I'm not still hung up on some things, but I think that I deal with them a lot better than I was dealing with them a few months ago. And I think that this will progressively get better. And my hopes are that this will improve both my life and the lives of those I am closest to.

I know that I have been...different lately. Part of it is natural, considering the things I've gone through in the past six months, but other parts are selfish and unjustifiable. I have been mean and I have been selfish, and I have hurt a lot of people that I genuinely love more than anything. And for this, I apologize. For a long time, I was just in a back-and-forth pattern of self-pity and arrogant attitude; I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed, but for some reason, I just couldn't seem to get control of myself long enough to start making those things happen. I got far too hung up on unrequited feelings, I read into things way too much, and my expectations for my own situations were unrealistic and damn near impossible.

But from this point on, what happens, happens. I know that I can't control everything or force anything, I can only make sure that I do all that I can to make things happen. There are a lot of things I don't know, and a lot of things I may never know. There are a lot of things that I want that not one can guarantee I will ever get. But that is the beauty of it all; things change and things adjust, we just have to adjust right along with them.

So for tonight, all I can say is this:
I love you, I always will. I do not know where our relationship will go from here; that is all up to you.
I will always want you back; you are my better half. I will always want your friendship; you are the best part of me. But I know that you cannot or do not want to be with me again at this point. And maybe you never will, but I am not at a point where I can give up that hope.
I can't tell you that you should take me back, because if I were in your situation, I'm not sure I could forgive some of the things that I said and did either. But I know that we have both grown over the past six months, and, despite my intentions, I have grown more in love with you. I have realized the mistakes that I made and realized how to fix some of the issues that I had that hindered us in the past. I think of you every day, and I love you now just as much, if not more, than I always have. I am sure that, given the chance, I could prove this to you, but right now, I can't risk our friendship.
I respect your relationship and I respect your happiness and I always will. If you are happy with with where you are now, I will not intentionally do anything to adversely affect that. I will never again come between you and your happiness. I miss you every day, and I love you every night. I hope that someday life will bring us back together, but for now, I will be here for you as you need. You are my best friend, no questions.
I love you, always and forever, no matter what.