Reminiscing

I never meant to hurt her. I never wanted to push her as far as I did. I know that I am not blameless in the failure of our relationship, and I am trying in as many ways as I can to fix all of my personal issues that played a part in our breakup.
I left everything I owned in my apartment besides a few outfits and my toothbrush. I had every intention of going back, I just needed her to be ready, really ready. But I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her because I wanted her to make own choices and not factor in my emotions. Throughout our whole relationship, she gave everything she had to me. And she lost herself as a result. I knew everything that I took from her, and I knew that, as much as I love her and wanted to be with her, it wasn't fair. Now I'm afraid that I pushed her completely away forever.
I started fixing things about myself, and she started getting better, happier, more alive. And just when I thought we were getting good, she found someone else. I really do want her to be happy, but I want so much to be with her at the same time. I know that I made a mistake in trying to fill the void I had from losing her by being with someone else, and I strongly regret that. It pushed her farther away and also hurt an innocent person. I gave into the loneliness, but I couldn't make myself feel anything. And that just drew me closer to her. It made me realize, even more, everything I had let go of.
I regret the hurting that I did, and I regret the times that I was selfish and unforgiving, but it is my goal now to change all of that. I know that I can't beg, I can't push, I can't force. So I will just wait here. I will wait here and continue to learn the right way to love her. So that if, by some chance of fate, she does decide to give me another chance, I will treat her like she should have been treated all along.
In the past few months, I've said things I don't believe and done things I don't understand, and my good intentions created a monster. So from now on, I am not going to try to be anything but me. I am going to focus on what I am and what I'm not, what I need to be and what I need to let go of. I will learn to love myself, and that is something no one will replace.
In hindsight, I know that instead of letting her go and hurting her to try to make her realize that she deserves better than me, that I should have made myself the person she deserves to be with. And that is what I'm trying to do. I just hope it isn't too late. I hope she gives me a chance someday to prove to her everything I can be.
Sometimes you have to choose between what you think you want, and what you really need. I thought I wanted to let her go, forget about her, and move on, but in my heart, I know that she is the one I want to grow old with, and I know that I need her in my life. I will wait for her forever and I will love for her forever.
Peace and love