Dear Journal:

Today was a day full of emotion.There was excitement, there was anticipation, there was happiness, there was sadness. I was surrounded by everyone I love, but I still felt so hollow and empty.
I love that boy more than life. He is my heart and soul, and his life alone is what gives me the desire to breathe every day. Seeing him smile, feeling his hugs, hearing his laugh; all of it warms my hollow soul. He fills my empty heart and gives me more joy than anyone else can. But I can never escape the feeling of guilt that I have; the feeling that I abandoned him and let him down. When he lays his head on my shoulder and hugs me tightly, I always have to fight back tears. I never thought that I would love someone the way that I love him, and I never though I would lose someone that I loved so much. Every time he leaves, blowing kisses and yelling "I love you Ashley," that hollow feeling comes back again. I remember the days when the longest I had to miss him were the three days during the week that he went to his dad's. Now...I never know when the next time I'll get to see him is. And that feeling weighs on me so much that I break sometimes.
Today at his birthday party, I cried. Yeah... As much as I promised myself and everyone else that I wouldn't, I broke down. It just all finally got to me. For so long, I viewed this boy as my son. Even from the very beginning, I did all that I could to make sure that Wesley knew how much I love him and how much I am willing to devote to him. For so long, we raised him together; went on walks together, ate dinner together, gave him baths and read him stories, and put him to bed together. We gave him all of the love that we had in our hearts and produced this wonderful, flawless image of our love and our passions and our convictions. We both raised this boy as "our son" loving him unconditionally, regardless of anything we may have been going through as a couple. And now it is "awkward" when I go to his birthday party.
I understand how the situation is uncomfortable for some of us involved, but I want so badly to be as much of a part of Wesley's life as Kristen is and as Evan is and as Mo now is. I try to interact with Mo, I try let her know that I want to interact with her, and I want to be on good terms with both her and Kristen, but she just doesn't give anything back. Maybe it is awkward for her, which I can definitely understand, but if we both try, maybe we can all be okay together. Maybe that's not possible...maybe I'm hoping for too much. But I believe Kristen when she says that I am as much of a parent to Wesley as she is, and I am willing to do anything to keep "my son" in my life. I hope Kris is genuine in the things that she says, and I hope that she understands the love I have for both her and Wesley. I know that love will never go away, no matter what. Maybe someday it will all turn around. Maybe someday we will get to a point where we can be okay. I guess only time will tell. Here's to hoping.