Rewind

I can't lie to you, we both know this. So what am I supposed to say when you ask me what's wrong? Would you rather me lie to you and tell you I'm fine, only to have you upset at the fact that you know that I'm lying, or would you rather me tell you what I am upset about? This is something that you need to figure out, because not feeling anything is not an option for me.
As I said, I feel the same way about you now that I did for the six months that you were with her. So just treat my emotions the same way you did then; with no regard. And I don't mean that rudely, just truthfully.
I know we aren't together (believe me, you make it incredibly clear sometimes), but that doesn't mean that I don't have any emotion towards you. I have loved you for a very long time, and that isn't something that is easy to suppress. It's just hard for me to see how you can tell me that I can't show you those emotions right now when you let me open myself up to you again so quickly. When something upsets me, you are always the first person that I want to go to; you're the one who cares the most and who fixes all of the hurting. But I realized last night that you can't be that person for me, at least not when I'm upset about things involving you. We need to slow down, and the biggest step that I can take towards that is to leave my emotions out of the situation. This time is about you now.
Maybe I am guilty for expecting too much, just as I am guilty for a lot of things in regards to us. Maybe I went back into this with no regard for how much it could hurt or how fragile the situation really is. Maybe I just pushed too hard. You may not believe it, but it is really not my intention to pressure you into anything. Yes, I love you and yes, I do want to be with you, but most importantly, I want that to be what you want. I think that you mistake my feelings of love for pressure. I know you aren't ready to commit to me right now, and I am okay with that. But when you talk about our future together, as you say you inevitably see it, I can't help but get my hopes up. And then something happens like last night, and I am reminded of how far away you still really are. It is like a slap in the face when something that I have longed for for so long is right there, but I can't touch it. So I react emotionally.
I know you don't see it, but you are very hot and cold. One minute you are telling me how much you love "our relationship" and the next you are telling me that I have "no right to show you my emotions because we aren't together yet." You have to understand that this hurts me. Every time you verbalize the fact that we aren't together, my heart breaks. And I know that I can't let you see that, so I try so hard to contain it that it just builds up and that sadness comes out in different areas (last night for example). Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I am not in love with you. I am not made of stone, so I cannot be emotionless, and you can't expect that from me. I don't want to be emotionless anymore.
For all intents and purposes, you have my entire future in your hands. I want you forever, I know that, but I am terrified of the day when you wake up and realize that you don't want me back. This idea is what makes me want to hold on tighter, but it also makes me want to let go because I know that me holding on only pushes you away. This is where I am conflicted.
There are two sides to every story, and I know that we both have difficulties seeing the others' points on certain issues, so I am going to try my hardest to see your side from now on.
I can't pretend that I know what to do in this situation, because if I did then neither one of us would be where we are. The only thing I can think of is to let you go. I know that you need independence and you need time to be single, so I am going to give you that. I will go back to the way I was a month ago, before I had hope. From this point on, what happens, happens. I will not push, I will not pressure.
I want to make this work, but I am not sure of what you need from me. So, until you tell me otherwise, I am going to go backwards. I am going to rewind back to the times where I mastered subtlety and patience. I'm going to go back to the time where I didn't know that you cared. I never thought I would say this, but it was easier for me then. I let myself fall for you too quickly, and I know that I need to stop it.

So when you are ready, I will be here.

Until then, you have my love.